Akan Ada Hari

Akan ada hari, dimana aku dan kamu bukanlah dua orang. Melainkan satu merangkai hidup di dalam kisah berjudul ‘Kita’.

Akan ada hari, dimana aku menyiapkan sarapan untukmu dengan senang hati. Dan mengantarmu pergi hingga senja datang dan kau kembali.

Akan ada hari, dimana aku menunggumu di balik pintu. Menjaga hangat kopi, untuk diteguk setelah lelahmu.

Akan ada hari, dimana seluruh doa akan terucap dari bibirmu. Yang akan kuamini juga didalam hati.

Akan ada hari, dimana kamu akan berbaring tepat di sampingku. Membelai halus rambutku sembari bersenandung kecil menjemput lelap.

Akan ada hari, dimana kita akan menangis bahagia. Memandang sosok mungil, yang mewarisi sebagian parasmu, dan sebagian tingkahku.

Akan ada hari, dimana aku akan berlaku egois. Lalu kamu berpaling pergi, namun tersadar bahwa segalanya patut diperjuangkan.

Akan ada hari, dimana hitam berubah menjadi abu-abu. Muda menjadi tua, kecil menjadi besar, hari ini, esok, dan seterusnya menjadi kenangan.

Akan ada hari, dimana kita melihat nisan. Dan memesan sepetak lahan, berdampingan. Untuk nanti, ketika hari esok tak ada lagi.

Akan ada hari, entah kau, atau aku yang merana. Karena salah satu dari kita, akan pergi lebih dulu. Meninggalkan dunia, melepaskan fana, menjemput akhir kisah.

Entah kapan, tapi pasti hari itu akan datang, menutup buku kehidupan kita, dalam satu kata; ‘TAMAT’.

Apakah Kamu?

Apakah itu kamu?

Angin yang mengipas lukaku dan meniup air mataku?

Apakah itu kamu?

Api yang menghangatkan kalbu, melahap kayu rinduku hingga menjadi abu?

Apakah itu kamu?

Tanah tempat berpijak. Menopang tegapku memetik langit dan menumpahkan hujan tawa untuk kau sesapi?

Apakah itu kamu?

Air yang melarutkan benciku, dan menenggelamkanku di lautan merah jambu?

Apakah itu kamu?

Udara yang ku hembus, oksigen yang membuatku bertahan, jika tanpamu aku akan kaku disesaki kenangan?

Apakah itu kamu?

Pelengkap semua elemenku. Tanah, api, air, dan udara bagiku. Katakana iya, maka sempurnalah aku.

Ya, aku harap itu kamu...

I Know

I know I love you

Because everytime I see you my eyes light up

I get shy, I blush for no apparent reason

I laugh like a fool, I smile at the simple thought of you

I know I love you

Because every time our knees brush I get goosebumps

My hands get sweaty, I get nervous

Because you are the only one that makes me feel vulnerable

I know I love you

Because every time you hug me, I get a little dizzy

I can feel my heart as if it was about to jump out of my chest

I hear my heartbeat, I try to cover up my loud breath

I know I love you

Because my skin always tingles under your touch

My mind never lets go of you, my eyes never get tired of seeing you

My lips miss the kiss you have never given me, my fingers miss yours intertwined with them

My ears miss your unsaid soft words coming out of your mouth as whispers

I know I love you

Because if I once had you, I would never let you go.

Breathless

You are a good book I can’t put down yet

A good book isn’t always perfect

There will always be a better book

Waiting for me at the end

Those books aren’t meant for everyone

But for some reason you want to read them

But if you cheat and never finish,

the other will never be as good

An unfinished ending leads us nowhere

It leads us to return because we crave the end

We crave to know if indeed the good book,

ended in a way that would have left us breathless

And you indeed have left me breathless

But it’s too late,

someone has already picked you up

and has decided not to let you go

and no matter how many copies I read

they will never be exactly,

like the first one I held.

Depiction

I wonder if he wears slippers around the house

Or what drink he always orders at restaurants

Or what his last thoughts are before his eyes close for the night

I wonder what his hair smells like

Or what his skin feels like

Or why he got each of the inked marks on his skin

I wonder if he prefers texting or calling

Or if his mother sang him lullabies when he was a child

Or what he feels when he hears the rain falling

But, I’m never going to know what it’s like,

to feel his skin pressed against mine,

or know what he likes in his coffee,

or even if he likes coffee

And I wonder why I love stranger with all my heart

And why someone who doesn’t even know my name,

means more to me,

than I mean to myself.

Terlalu Cepat

Hari ini aku bangun terlalu cepat dari biasanya. Sudah dari semalam aku mengingatkan diriku untuk bangun lebih siang. Namun pagi ini badan ku seperti memberontak dan bangun dengan sendirinya.

Hari ini aku menonton film untuk membunuh waktu. Sudah 3 film ku tonton pikir ku tiba waktu senja untuk memunculkan semburat oranyenya tapi begitu ku lirik jam di dinding, bukan waktunya untuk senja menampakkan diri, waktu yang ku habiskan terlalu cepat, kurang lama untuk menyambut senja.

Hari ini aku berkunjung ke rumah teman yang sangat berjauhan dari rumah ku. Sudah kuperkirakan akan pulang pada saat langit sudah gelap, namun ternyata aku pulang terlalu cepat.

Hari ini aku melihat senja. Sudah lama aku tidak melihat nya. Begitu cantik dan romantis. Warna nya yang kuning agak sedikit oranye membuat hati yang dingin pun terasa hangat. Senja begitu special bagiku. Karena dengan maupun tidak dengan pasangan, tetap indah bagiku. Namun sore ini senja serasa terlalu cepat menghilang. Sangat terlalu cepat.

Hari ini aku diingatkan masa lalu yang sempat menghantuiku. Masa lalu yang tidak ingin aku lupakan, namun tak ingin aku ingat-ingat. Bergejolak dengan batin yang tak tau harus bertindak apa. Kuputuskan untuk menghiraukan nya. Menghiraukan masa-masa yang terlalu cepat berakhir.

Hari ini teman-teman ku menunaikan ibadah puasa. Jalanan seperti biasa diramaikan dengan dagangan makanan kaki lima yang khas. Asap sate melayang-layang diatas kepalaku, manisan-manisan yang menggiurkan bertaburan dimana-mana. Aku teringat dengan kejadian buka puasa yang ternyata terjadi di bulan puasa tahun lalu. Mengapa waktu terasa sangat cepat?


Hidup terkadang membawa kita dengan kecepatan yang tidak menentu. Waktu seakan-akan mempermainkan kita. Kadang dibawa begitu lambat, kadang agak cepat dan bahkan terlalu cepat.

Pernahkan kamu berpikir bahwa hidup ini semua serba terlalu cepat?


Terlalu cepat memulai, terlalu cepat mengakhiri.
 Terlalu cepat berpikir, terlalu cepat membuat keputusan.
Terlalu cepat percaya, terlalu cepat kecewa.
Terlalu cepat terbiasa, terlalu cepat melupakan.

Sering sekali aku menyadari kebiasaan ku yang terlalu cepat. Namun kali ini, bisakah waktu diperlambat? Sedikit saja.

Yin Maka Yang

Kata Yinyang, ada orang-orang berbeda sifat yang ditakdirkan untuk hidup bersama karena mereka saling melengkapi.

Kataku, kau yang pujangga tidak mungkin tahan bersebelahan lama-lama dengan seorang gila matematika. Kataku, kau harus mencari lawan main dari liga yang sama. Warna yang sejenis.

Tidak, Yinyang memaksa.

Hubungan itu seperti bahtera, tidak bisa berat ke salah satu sisi kalau tak mau tenggelam. Harus seimbang kiri-kanan.

Terserah.

Lalu hari itu aku berjalan menyusuri taman bintang untuk bertemu kekasih pujaan.

Kami sudah lama saling mengedipi satu sama lain. Jika tidak terpisah jutaan kilometer jauhnya, mungkin kami sudah menjadi sepasang kekasih yang dielu dan irikan temanku. Dia mengeluarkan sinar di galaksi lain, dan aku terperangkap di bumi. Namanya bintang.

Bukan, bukan kejora yang dinikmati banyak orang. Ini bintang pribadiku sendiri.

Teori Yinyang jelas salah.

Aku dan dia sama-sama cerah berpendar. Reaksi helium dan hidrogen di permukannya memancar, begitu pula aku dengan auraku yang menurut mereka membuat segan.

Aku dan dia sama-sama menjadi pusat gravitasi. Kami independen dan tidak bergantung pada sebuah inti, planet-planet justru berputar mengitari kami.


Lihat itu, Yinyang. Aku dan bintang adalah kembar, adalah sama. Kami tidak beda.

Kemudian kulihat mereka.

Sepasang kekasih, sang gadis dengan gitar terpasang di punggung dan kekasihnya yang berkacamata setebal botol susu.

Yang laki-laki berkemeja membosankan, memohon agar pujaannya menyanyi. Lagu favoritku, pintanya. Lalu permohonan dikabulkan. Si pria bersenandung mengiringi dengan nada lebih sumbang dari klakson metromini, namun wajah lebih bahagia dari supir yang mendapat pemasukan berlimpah. Dia tak perlu mengerti kunci G, Am, atau C, dia hanya tahu hatinya berlompatan melihat gadisnya bernyanyi dengan senyum termanis di dunia.

Selesai.

Ini tengah malam. Ayo pulang, katanya. Bergandengan tangan, dua dunia berbeda, bergerak ke arah selatan.

Sejenak hitam bertemu putih. Sepercik warna abu hadir mengganggu.

Aku berpikir lagi.

Mereka tak mungkin sama. Jengkal manapun dari isi otak mereka pasti beda bentuk dan dimensi. Kon, tras. Kontras.

Itu yang kubilang dari tadi, sambar Yinyang.

Yang berbeda memang harus bersatu. Agar harmonis, agar seimbang. Kalian yang sama harus berpisah, ibarat enzim kalian bukan jodoh dari yang lain. Berpisahlah.

Kuberitahu satu hal, Yinyang. Kecocokan itu manusia yang tentukan. Yang sama bisa klop, yang beda pun bisa pas.

Kau boleh pakai baju biru di atas celana biru, tapi baju biru di atas celana hitam pun tak kalah sedap dipandang.

Sama, beda, kalau cinta, maka apa daya.

Judul

Namanya Judul.

Tempatnya di atas, hanya terdiri dari dua sampai lima kata, tapi dibebani sebagai perwakilan utama dari paragraf-paragraf panjang. Dianggap dewa dan tertera di setiap sampul. Disalahkan jika gagal menarik hati pembaca.

Judul sering dimetaforakan sebagai pintu utama yang bisa mengundang atau mengusir tamu dari teras untuk masuk ruang tengah sebuah kisah.

“Karena dia aku bahkan tak dibaca!” ujar Paragraf Pertama.
“Dan jika kau saja dilewati, apalagi aku!” sahut Paragraf Di Bawahnya.
“Baiklah, teman-teman, kita harus buat sebuah kesepakatan. Ini bukan salah Judul. Terkadang aku yang seharusnya simpel dibuat terlalu menjelimet sehinggga orang muak.” bela Kesimpulan.
“Sudah! Diam kalian semua! Aku Judul. Aku yang sejak awal menyanggupi tugas ini. Kalau dianggap Dewa, aku harus siap dengan konsekuensinya. Kalian diam saja dan laksanakan tugas dengan baik!” akhirnya Judul angkat bicara.

Lalu semua terdiam.

“Bagaimana jika kau sendiri gagal menarik mata-mata pembeli?” tantang Tanda Baca memecah kesunyian.
“Aku… Akan mundur. Kalian boleh bunuh aku. Jadilah kisah indah tanpa Judul. Biarkan sampul itu kosong tak bertuan, kalau itu yang kalian mau. Semoga kalian sanggup.”
“Kau serius?”
“Terkadang aku pun lelah menjadi Judul. Aku ingin ber-reinkarnasi dan lahir kembali sebagai Isi. Atau Koma.”

Tanpa disangka, percakapan barusan didengar oleh Sang Penulis. Penghapus pun diambil, dan sesuai permintaan Judul, ia lenyap menjadi noda pada karet. Tidak diganti, pula tidak lahir kembali.

Semoga engkau bahagia di alam sana, doa Kata dan Kalimat.

Date A Guy Who Sings

(This is another version of Rosemarie Urquico’s ‘Date A Girl Who Reads’.)

Date a guy who sings. Date a guy who spends his money on new guitar strings instead of cigarettes. He has problems with iPod space because he has too many good songs. Date a guy who has a list of CDs he wants to buy, who has sung for his mother since he was twelve.

Find a guy who sings. You’ll know that he does because he will always hum while waiting at the bus stop. He’s the one lovingly tapping his feet to the ground when he listens to the song he loves. You see the weird gentleman smiling on the CD cover in the second hand music store? That’s the singer. They can never resist playing the songs on their guitar, especially when they have great lyrics.

He’s the guy singing while walking to the hall before that general lecture. If you peek on his iPod screen, the battery is running low because he’s kind of engrossed in the rhythm already. Lost in a world of the musician’s making. Walk by. He might give you a glare, as most guys who sing do not like to be interrupted. Ask him if he likes the song.

Walk together to the main building.

Let him know what you really think of John Mayer. See if he got through the songs of Room for Squares. Understand that if he says he completely understood the meaning of his songs he’s saying that to sound intelligent. Ask him if he loves Jason Mraz or he would like to be Jason.

It’s easy to date a guy who sings. Give him a CD for his birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give him the gift of rythms, in songs or played tunes. Give him The Script, Maroon 5, or D’Sound. Let him know that you understand that tones are love. Understand that he knows the difference between songs and reality but by God, he’s going to try to make his life a little like his favorite song. It will never be your fault if he does.

He has to give it a shot somehow.

Sing wrong pitch to him. If he understands rhythm, he will understand you need to do it. Behind tones are other things: lyrics, meanings, soul. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail him. Because a guy who sings knows that failure always leads up to the chorus. Because guys who sing understand that all things will come to an end. That you can always create another verse. That you can begin again and again and still be the master of song. That life is meant to have a wrong pitch or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Guys who sing understand that people, like pre-chorus, develop. Except in jazz songs.

If you find a guy who sings, keep him close. When you find him up at 2 AM playing a guitar on his chest and weeping, make him a cup of tea and hold him. You may lose him for a couple of hours but he will always come back to you. He’ll talk as if the lyrics in the song are real, because for a while, they always are.

He will propose on one of his gigs. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time he’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst or flown out of your chest yet. You will write the songs of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. He will introduce your children to the classic kid songs, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and he will sing Ronan Keating under his breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a guy who sings because you deserve it. You deserve a guy who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give him monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a guy who sings.

Or better yet, date a guy who creates songs.

Tempat Yang Terasingkan

Aku masih di sini. Di tempat terjauh dari hatimu. Tempat  menyimpan rindu – rindu yang tidak terungkapkan.

Aku masih di sini. Di tempat yang menampung luka – luka yang berserakan. Tempat jatuhnya ribuan tetes air mata.

Aku masih di sini. Di tempat yang bahkan engkau enggan untuk sekedar menoleh. Melihat semua penderitaan dan menyaksikan beribu kepiluan yang mendalam.

Aku masih di sini. Di tempat yang tak mungkin engkau temukan. Mengamati engkau dari kejauhan.

Aku masih di sini. Di tempat yang bahkan sebelah mata saja kau tak pandang. Memperhatikan tanpa ada yang terlewatkan.

Aku masih di sini. Di tempat yang hanya aku punya kuncinya. Merekam semua yang kau katakan.

Aku masih di sini. Di tempat dimana aku mencoba mengabadikan senyuman – senyuman. Mencoba menghapus peluh yang terkadang datang.

Aku masih disini. Mencoba berharap agar kau sadar, bahwa ada seorang yang selalu meninggikanmu dalam segala hal.

Aku masih di sini. Di tempat yang selalu kau abaikan. Di balik senyuman yang kutegar – tegarkan.

Aku masih di sini. Di tempat reruntuhan hati. Di balik air mata yang selalu kusembunyikan.

Aku masih di sini. Di tempat pusat titik kejenuhan. Di ujung pangkal kekecewaan.

Aku masih disini. Di dasar kubur air mata. Di antara puing – puing harapan.

  

Semoga ini bukanlah batas akhir dari penantian. Karena layaknya sebuah penantian tidak akan pernah berakhir.

Aku masih di sini. Di tempat bermimpi yang tak berkesudahan. Mencoba berlari tapi tetap bertahan. Mencoba melupakan namun kutahu tak semudah membalikkan telapak tangan.

Ah, semoga ini hanyalah sebuah mimpi yang panjang.

Kini biarkan aku terbangun dan jangan pernah paksa aku untuk sekedar menoleh tempat yang terasingkan.

Escaping

I am not the type of person who likes to be alone, but sometimes I like to have my own space.
I like to take my laptop and download some old-ish songs that remind me of the memories.
I like to let my imagination takes over myself and roaming around the impossible places that I couldn’t reach if I do it myself. Places where only the sounds of the wind that I could hear, the pictures of the memories that I could see, the feelings of the unspoken words that I could say.
That’s just how I clean my thoughts.

I like to leave the ground behind.
I will take one of my favorite novels, and put my earphone on and get drown in a new world.
I like to daydream what I am gonna do in 5 years, who will I end up settle down with, or sometimes I like to replay the old memories like why?
Why I said those things?
Why I let that happened?
Why didn’t I do this?
Well something like that.

A lot of people said that I’m delusional. They said I am too imaginative. But what they don’t know is, I’m just trying to replay those things, I’m trying to do the cross-check about the things that had happened.
I have to finish what I’ve started. That’s what I’ve always said to myself, because there were so many things that I left halfway.  And since then I’ve always kept in mind, when things happen I have to finish it for good. If I fight, I have to end it with peace. If I get hurt, I have to forgive. That is what I called as responsibility, that’s what I called as loyalty, and I am still learning about it.

I like to create scanarios in my head. When I read a book or watch a movie, I like to think differently. What if this girl goes to other place, or sometimes I like to do a roleplay where I am the main character in that book and experience the things in its world.
Or when I listen to a song, I like to mark it as my favorite and start to imagine things about that song. I like to connect the dots, draw a line and compare my life with that song.

Everyone has their own way to escape from the real world, build their safehaven. And this is how I do it, this is my safehaven where I will just gonna drop the thoughts that I have in mind and explore myself in a whole new perspective, in a whole new world.
When I can’t travelling, my mind does the job. Swarming around the street and bring me to my intention where it answers all the curiosity. When I think about someone who hurt me and then I will just visit my memory lane until I found what I've been looking for, forgiveness and affection.
Many people misapplied their imagination, and it will just bring them down to the bottom of the cliff of confusion. When in fact, imagination shouldn’t have brought you down to a deluded place. It should’ve been an enhance button that helps you to understand things that you need to do.

I like to refresh bad memories of mine. Memories that can only hurt me and that can open the old wounds. I like to gateaway to start afresh and bury all those memories at the back of mind. I like to have my own space so I can really feel the feeling of being present. And disenchant myself for every heartbeat, for every breath, for every blink of eyes that those rubbish thoughts and memories are nothing compared to what I have now.
It’s like you put off your heavy bag, your jacket, your shoes, and let loose your tight ponytail, that’s all a realief, that bring out a satisfactory sigh.

Like a notebook that full filled with handwriting.
When a blank a paper is full with our handwriting, just turn the page and start another one.
Clean, new, and ready to be written.

Like a new novel, we open a new chapter.
We don’t know what we’re going to read ahead, unless we start reading it now. And then we will find out.

My life could be little and boring for you. But at least it’s mine; not some assembly-line, autopilot life driven by media.

And this is how I do it, to start something new. With silent, thinking, and letting go.
How about you?

Kalau

Kamu paling suka bermain ‘Kalau’.

Gantungkan nasib pada hal lain agar kita sendiri tak terbebani, itu ide utamanya, bukan? Sudah banyak kalau-kalau yang keluar dari khayalmu. Kalau-kalau yang membuatku terkatung di ruang tanpa dasar.

Kalau lampu merah itu jadi hijau dalam 3 detik, aku akan jadi pacar kamu!
Kalau keretanya lewat dari kanan, kamu dan aku berjodoh!
Kalau kucing itu belok kanan, kita akan jadi teman seumur hidup!
Kalau koin ini menujukkan angka, maka kita…berjodoh.

Kamu dan kalaumu.
Aku dan pastiku.

Oke. Begini saja. Kalau kau menang suit dariku, kau ikut aku ke Bali.

Maka aku menang dengan tiga gunting berturut-turut. Maka kita terbang ke Denpasar. Maka kita basah di laut yang sama, tidur di angin yang sama, dan kenyang dengan roti yang sama.
Setiap kalau itu keluar dari mulutmu, jantungku melambat setengah ketukan. Nasibku digantung di tali itu. Tali kalau.

Kalau besok masih ada hari, kita akan bersama lagi!
Kalau aku tidur nanti, aku ingin mimpikan kamu!
Kalau tidak ada matahari, aku masih punya kamu untuk menyinari duniaku!

Kenapa kamu begitu tenggelam dalam laut kalau? Bukannya kalau telah membunuh perasaanmu sendiri? Kalau, kalau kalau, ka, lau, kal, au, kalau kalau kalau.
Kal.au, Gal.au.
AH! Tidak tidak.

Kita mendengar cerita bahwa Adam hidup bersama Hawa karena mereka berbagi tulang rusuk. Tuhan menciptakan mereka tanpa kalau.

Lalu kamu bilang,

Kalau Hawa tidak makan buah dari pohon itu apa yang akan terjadi?
Kalau Tuhan tidak menciptakan Hawa apa yang akan terjadi?

Ah, aku mana punya jawaban untuk itu.

Aku selalu hidup dengan kepastian dan keyakinanku.

Aku yakin akan dirimu, tapi mengapa kamu ragu?

Lalu kamu bertanya untuk terakhir kali,

Kalau Hawa tidak diciptakan dari tulang rusuk apa yang akan terjadi?

Lalu jawabku,

Aku yakin perempuan itu diciptakan dari tulang rusuk yang dekat dengan hati agar disayang. Perempuan tidak diciptakan dari tulang kaki agar tidak diinjak injak.

Kamu memejamkan mata dan bilang,

Kalau aku pergi dan kembali lagi, maka sambutlah aku
Tetapi kalau aku tidak kembali, relakan saja.

Tidak!
Bagaimana kalau kamu tidak kembali?
Bagaimana kalau kamu hanya pergi begitu saja?

Ah, puas kah kau sekarang VIRUS KALAUMU SUDAH MULAI TERTANAM DAN BERKEMBANG dalam diriku!

Aku hanya ingin memusnahkan keraguan, aku hanya ingin kau dan aku memiliki asa dalam kepastian.

Date A Girl Who Reads

Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted.

Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee. Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series. If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.

—Rosemary Urquico

Your Special Day

Happy Birthday, Love.

I’m not going to say your name, though I know you won’t see this.

But everyone who knows me will certainly know who you are.

You’ve already took a new step in life as you grow up, not only your age but your mind. You don’t know me and I doubt that you will. But I don’t mind,

To be completely honest I’m kind of sad because I realized it’s been 3 years i got caught up in you, and you still don’t know me. But love takes time right? And love worth the wait, isn’t it?

I’m wondering in this special day of yours what are you going to do? Are you going to throw a party? Having family dinner? Or celebrating it with you errr…. girlfriend? ah, it sounded bitter from my mouth. Okay, leave it there. Well, I am wondering what are you wishing for as you blow your candle later today? (timezone sucks, so I don’t really know when you will blow your candle).

Hmmm, the more I think about you the more I realize that you stand extremely— awfully far away from my grasp, it feels like I will never reach you.

Scratch that! I’m talking about your special day, and this writing is suppose to be about you.

Backt to the phase, are you happy right now? I hope you are. Because your happiness is mine, there it goes corny — cheesy line. I’m not good with words, never been. And it is hard for me to fathom the right words.

What do you usually have for your special day? A cake? Pizza? Turkey? Something fancy?

What are you going to wear? Black skinny jeans and t-shirt with boots? Or you perhaps want to look more decent by wearing suit? Or not. Well that’s all I can do; wondering.

For now, I probably can only wondering what would it be to be a part of your life. But I’m hoping one day, I could be a part of your life for real not only in my dream on my sleepless nights. Maybe one day I will stand beside you while you blow up your candle and cut the cake, and holding you saying happy birthday to you and tell you how much I love you.

But for now let me just represent my actions into words;

Happy Birthday, Love!

I’m hoping you the best in life, I’m hoping for your happiness, I’m hoping that everyone treats you right, I’m hoping you get what you wish for. And don’t forget to be grateful for everything that God has given to you, and may God’s blessings be upon you and your whole family. Many happy returns. And I love you like….i love you (guess how much?) well I love you like you wouldn’t believe.

With Love all the way from here, Clara. 

To Myself

I didn’t even want to start this with the sweet greetings, dear Me. Because at the very first time this cheesy idea—a love letter for myself—popped into my head, I hated myself. Like. There you go again, self-centered narcissistic doer.

But then I recalled what Diane Von Furstenberg said in the quotey Tumblr I saw long time ago: “The most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself. Because no matter what happens, you will always be with yourself.”
The iconic American fashion designer’s sentence… I suppose she’s true.

So, okay.

Dear Me,

This is a very-short lovey letter for you. You, too, deserve something nice, sincere, and sweet after all this time. Don’t you?

Well, I got a little nervous here. Hello. This is me, you must be familiar enough since we integrally life in the same body.

Let’s just cut the crap.

Your mediocrity, never fail in fascinating me. You may not the biggest fish in pond, not a prettiest girl in town. You’re not an object for envy. You’re such a lazy arse, not so smart though. You read books a lot, nerdy much eh? You are over dramatically mellow when it comes to love.

But look what you’ve done. Those smile. Spontaneous nicety. Your gentle caress. Cats even in love with you even though you have the opposite feeling for them.. People always ended up forgiving your fault. Because they know, you never meant to be cruel. Yes. You never do. People always ended up laughing at your jokes. Because you are hilarious even with your non—sense humor. And people always ended up asking ‘what’s wrong’ when you put a frown on your face. Because they can’t stand seeing you so upset about whatever—things—are.

Your insecurity, ah you have it a lot but somehow you manage to brush it away, even when your so—called friends calling you names. You just giving them your biggest smile brace up like it’s all nothing. But now, leave your achiever friends for a while, relax with me. Take your time. You’ve been being a good friend for all. Put in your shoes, can they do better than you? (A little shake of your head could answer it all.)



Until next time,
Me

Tanpa Judul

2014 has been a huge start for me, and these past weeks has been the most challenging yet heart breaking moment.

Pernah gak sih kamu berada di satu momen dimana kamu sedang ada di persimpangan jalan, situation are forcing you to make a choice tapi kamu cuma diem, gak pingin ngapa-ngapain. It's like you just wanted everything else to stop, for a moment or two, and breath.

Everything happened so fast that can't even feel the clock ticking and the wind moving. It's like in a snap, it just happened, like that. Udah jadi gitu aja, you can't even feel the process.

I have a sort-of love-hate relationship with this matter, waiting.
Either itu menunggu kendaraan, menunggu minum yang udah lama di order, atau menunggu...apa hayo.
Hahaha apapun itu there's always this funny and heart breaking feeling when it comes to waiting.

Last week, i was having a total heart-breaking moment. I was crying, i felt stupid.
Kenapa? karena saya harus ucapkan selamat tinggal untuk perasaan saya.

People said that loving someone is worth the wait, but is it really?

Saya menunggu seseorang untuk 6 bulan lamanya. Saya menjaga perasaan saya untuk 6 bulan lamanya. Dan setelah 6 bulan itu saya harus mengucapkan selamat tinggal untuk seseorang. Hari ini tepat satu minggu saya menjauhkan diri dari seseorang.

I was having personal battle with my heart.

Saya ditinggalkan oleh seseorang, and i was wondering what did i do wrong? Saya pikir saya sudah melakukan yang benar menunggu dan menjaga perasaan saya untuk dia. Waktu itu saya marah besar kepada dia, i was feeling betrayed.

Bukankah perasaan itu seperti wine. The longer the date, the better the taste. The longer the process, the better the quality.

But then we couldn't really blame on the feelings, because it's there for a reason. Tapi yang jadi masalah adalah timing nya. Having feelings itu yang paling susah adalah bukan saat ditolak atau di abaikan, tapi ketika harus disimpan sampai waktunya tiba and in my case the time hasn't come yet. Feelings forces us to rush things up. Mereka yang membuat kita menunggu.

Lalu setelah satu minggu penuh i'm having some time apart saya mulai berpikir, I guess soal tahan lama atau enggak nya, it all depend on us. And it doesn't mean that semua harus dilama-lamain, but the time and the process has to be right. Not too long and not too fast. I mean, if it's meant to be then it will be, right? We don't have to force things up. Let time and let God do their part, and let us do our part. Being the best guy and the best girl that we could be.

Mungkin, selama ini saya yang tidak bisa membaca waktu dan perasaannya. Saya terlalu terburu-buru menyimpulkan bahwa dia menginginkan saya seperti saya menginginkan dia. Saya tidak menyalahkan dia, atau perasaan atau waktu yang sudah saya gunakan untuk menunggunya, tetapi justru saya menertawai diri sendiri karena semua itu.

Falling in love are beautiful, it changes our perspective, the way we see things. But we don't have to rush it. Taking it slow and enjoy the ride. Just as time will heal, and it also will decide. It doesn't mean that the road will be smooth and nothing will be broken, but I could guarantee that it is all worth the wait.

Untuk kamu disana, i just wanted to say that;
"i wish nothing but the best for you"

Farewell

I’m a scribbler. I scribble a lot.


Over these past few weeks, I have especially been writing a lot with a whole mumbo-jumbo of mixed emotions. Weell, not to the point where I bravely post it in here… Mostly it just end up in my Draft Folder, like every other writing that I wrote, maybe because it’s too downright honest.

But after a lot of consideration, here’s a thought that’s worth to share with you all;


Of the hundreds of relationships you participate in throughout the course of your roller coaster life — associations of all kind: good/bad, joyful/sad, casual/serious, friendly/hostile, short/long, romantic/heartbreaking and everything in between, there will always be this one relationship that harrows you like an old wound that refuses to heal. It haunts your mind, frequents your thoughts, making it hard for you to just, breathe.

Not that like it’s impossible to heal, but maybe a part of you, unconsciously, is letting the hurt to ail you. Or maybe it’s because of the fact that you find yourself reluctant to fight a losing battle when your emotions are swinging back and forth like those dusty old broken saloon doors on rusty hinges.

You restlessly live, breathe, dream, and repeat— but such malady of discontent and heartbreak just won’t go away! Causing your heart and emotions to play a constant game of tug of war, each pulling one end of your instincts.

Wrestling with your emotions over the dream of someone who still claims so much of your sentiment but it just falls flat on the reality that the person, is no longer there… well isn’t that lovely.

Trying to make it all feel better, you try to settle down and think.

But you realize that you can't. So you choose to distract yourself… And it works wonders.

I spent a lot of nights tossing over it and it seems all roads lead to one conclusion. Ultimately, my prayer is that Jesus continue His ever-present work in my heart, change me from the inside out, unearth and kill off those roots of sin, doubt and immorality so that I may better reflect Christ, so that I may better serve Him, so that I may better understand and live the life of love He’s called me to live.

The more you mull over it, think about, and go over the scene in your mind, the more it has the opportunity to take root within your soul and plant deep seeds of bitterness.

Though I’m still learning, I’m trying hard to forgive, and the only thing that will ruin that, is if I keep on thinking about it. So better not, don’t you think? :)


My only job in this case is just to love them as Christ loves me, and to demonstrate His noble love no matter how they act in return. But how often do I worry about living a pure life of love if/when I’m not living the way God has commanded me as a follower of Christ? By all means, I am guilty.

I just want to have that hunger to experience the fullness of all God has for me on this earth, I wan’t to be caught up in the most epic adventure of a Christ-centered life, I want to be so a live and ebullient in God that I’m unshakable to the point that no allure of the world can pull myself into apathy or impassivity, most of all, I want to demonstrate God’s love towards people and that my personality and character to be His means of expression.

And thus, I believe that even when you’re going through trials or hardships in life, they can even remind you that all that are actually exciting God-given opportunities to gain greater victory, patience, faith, strength, and dependence upon Him.

So goodbye now to the breakdown between thought, emotion and behavior. Farewell to faulty perception and inapt actions and feelings. Goodbye to withdrawal from reality and personal relationships into fantasy and delusion. Good riddance to an overwhelming sense of mental fragmentation.

This is not like my usual post but it has to be said and i’m so excited about life.

To Him be glory, greatness and power.

“I ask you that we all love each other. And love means living the way God commanded us to live. As you have heard form the beginning, God’s command is this: Live a life of love.”

2 John 5-6.