Kalau

Kamu paling suka bermain ‘Kalau’.

Gantungkan nasib pada hal lain agar kita sendiri tak terbebani, itu ide utamanya, bukan? Sudah banyak kalau-kalau yang keluar dari khayalmu. Kalau-kalau yang membuatku terkatung di ruang tanpa dasar.

Kalau lampu merah itu jadi hijau dalam 3 detik, aku akan jadi pacar kamu!
Kalau keretanya lewat dari kanan, kamu dan aku berjodoh!
Kalau kucing itu belok kanan, kita akan jadi teman seumur hidup!
Kalau koin ini menujukkan angka, maka kita…berjodoh.

Kamu dan kalaumu.
Aku dan pastiku.

Oke. Begini saja. Kalau kau menang suit dariku, kau ikut aku ke Bali.

Maka aku menang dengan tiga gunting berturut-turut. Maka kita terbang ke Denpasar. Maka kita basah di laut yang sama, tidur di angin yang sama, dan kenyang dengan roti yang sama.
Setiap kalau itu keluar dari mulutmu, jantungku melambat setengah ketukan. Nasibku digantung di tali itu. Tali kalau.

Kalau besok masih ada hari, kita akan bersama lagi!
Kalau aku tidur nanti, aku ingin mimpikan kamu!
Kalau tidak ada matahari, aku masih punya kamu untuk menyinari duniaku!

Kenapa kamu begitu tenggelam dalam laut kalau? Bukannya kalau telah membunuh perasaanmu sendiri? Kalau, kalau kalau, ka, lau, kal, au, kalau kalau kalau.
Kal.au, Gal.au.
AH! Tidak tidak.

Kita mendengar cerita bahwa Adam hidup bersama Hawa karena mereka berbagi tulang rusuk. Tuhan menciptakan mereka tanpa kalau.

Lalu kamu bilang,

Kalau Hawa tidak makan buah dari pohon itu apa yang akan terjadi?
Kalau Tuhan tidak menciptakan Hawa apa yang akan terjadi?

Ah, aku mana punya jawaban untuk itu.

Aku selalu hidup dengan kepastian dan keyakinanku.

Aku yakin akan dirimu, tapi mengapa kamu ragu?

Lalu kamu bertanya untuk terakhir kali,

Kalau Hawa tidak diciptakan dari tulang rusuk apa yang akan terjadi?

Lalu jawabku,

Aku yakin perempuan itu diciptakan dari tulang rusuk yang dekat dengan hati agar disayang. Perempuan tidak diciptakan dari tulang kaki agar tidak diinjak injak.

Kamu memejamkan mata dan bilang,

Kalau aku pergi dan kembali lagi, maka sambutlah aku
Tetapi kalau aku tidak kembali, relakan saja.

Tidak!
Bagaimana kalau kamu tidak kembali?
Bagaimana kalau kamu hanya pergi begitu saja?

Ah, puas kah kau sekarang VIRUS KALAUMU SUDAH MULAI TERTANAM DAN BERKEMBANG dalam diriku!

Aku hanya ingin memusnahkan keraguan, aku hanya ingin kau dan aku memiliki asa dalam kepastian.

Date A Girl Who Reads

Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted.

Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee. Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series. If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.

—Rosemary Urquico