Life Is Tough, Love Is Even More

It’s been a year! Wow. In case you guys wondering, I’ve grown up. Now I’m in my second semester of college. Life has been good, college is treating me just fine. But apparently my love life isn’t fine, it’s downright tragic. I’m having trouble at making friends here, I used to be an easy going, cheerful kind of girl but now it seems like I set a certain boundary that makes me a bit closed off somehow, and insecure. God why is it so hard to overcome insecurities? It makes me as a pessimist and I don’t like it one bit.

So anyway, I’m going to rant about my friendship and my love life, because I don’t know what else should I write in here, I’m an emotional wreck at the moment, I’m sad, I’m miserable, and the list goes on and on. When I’m comfortable with someone or a group of people, I invest all my trust in them, and I’m having a habit when it comes to love, I always love deeply, I fall all the way in. it’s unhealthy sometimes.

I have some close friends here, they’re pretty nice. They come from different backgrounds and ages, some are way older than me, but all is good. I met a lot of new people in here, and I happened to take a huge liking to someone in here as well. Too bad life doesn’t always go as the plan, me and him are just not meant to be, or at least that’s what I’m believing.

I was the one who made a move on him, I messaged him through LINE and he didn’t reply immediately, it took him 2 weeks to reply. Oh I forgot to mention though, he’s not the biggest fish in pond, he’s not the kind of guy that you’d fall at the first glance but once you see right through him, you couldn’t help but fall, deeply. Well I did.

You know what they say about how cruel this world is, and life likes to play game, twist each and everyone’s plot lives. That, happened to me. One of my closest friends takes an interest on the same guy as me, surprise surprise? What hurt me the most is, the fact that she knows damn well about how I feel toward him, yet she keeps on taunting me by getting even more close to him. God, I sounded like a bitch blaming my friend of my heartache. I just can’t help myself, I’m hurt, terribly. I was the first one who saw him, the first one who fell yet I am the one who lost. But I’m a coward, I’m avoiding a competition, I don’t want to fight, especially not with my closest friend.

I am learning that when love wants to stay, it will stay. And I am learning when love wants to go, it will go. I’m trying to tell myself that if something is meant to be mine then never in any way it’ll be someone else’s. If something is meant to be mine then whatever obstacle that gets in the way will be overcome because this thing and I are meant to be. If something is meant to be mine then the wait will be worth it. If something is meant to be mine, I have to be patient. 

But I can’t deny the anxiety of not knowing whether this thing that I want will indeed be mine. Not to mention, how entitled it is to expect that certain thing is meant to be mine. Like, who am I to claim that I am the right person? How can I be sure there’s no one else deserves it but myself? 

Oh this guilt. This toxic overthinking.

And how can you tell something isn’t yours? They say if something is meant to be yours then it should fall into place easily, but they also say that good things take time and effort - so how do you know? When should one stop waiting and trying?

But I know that it will hurt more than one people if I keep on living in this blurry line, and it’s not that he doesn’t worth a fight, no, because he deserves a fight, and he is so gaddamn special, but I can’t fight with someone else, if I can’t even fight with myself, my toxic overthinking self, my insecurities, I gotta fight it all first. So I'm letting him go, for he is to find what's meant to be his. It is hard, but from where I'm about to bury him, the most beautiful flowers will bloom.