Your Special Day

Happy Birthday, Love.

I’m not going to say your name, though I know you won’t see this.

But everyone who knows me will certainly know who you are.

You’ve already took a new step in life as you grow up, not only your age but your mind. You don’t know me and I doubt that you will. But I don’t mind,

To be completely honest I’m kind of sad because I realized it’s been 3 years i got caught up in you, and you still don’t know me. But love takes time right? And love worth the wait, isn’t it?

I’m wondering in this special day of yours what are you going to do? Are you going to throw a party? Having family dinner? Or celebrating it with you errr…. girlfriend? ah, it sounded bitter from my mouth. Okay, leave it there. Well, I am wondering what are you wishing for as you blow your candle later today? (timezone sucks, so I don’t really know when you will blow your candle).

Hmmm, the more I think about you the more I realize that you stand extremely— awfully far away from my grasp, it feels like I will never reach you.

Scratch that! I’m talking about your special day, and this writing is suppose to be about you.

Backt to the phase, are you happy right now? I hope you are. Because your happiness is mine, there it goes corny — cheesy line. I’m not good with words, never been. And it is hard for me to fathom the right words.

What do you usually have for your special day? A cake? Pizza? Turkey? Something fancy?

What are you going to wear? Black skinny jeans and t-shirt with boots? Or you perhaps want to look more decent by wearing suit? Or not. Well that’s all I can do; wondering.

For now, I probably can only wondering what would it be to be a part of your life. But I’m hoping one day, I could be a part of your life for real not only in my dream on my sleepless nights. Maybe one day I will stand beside you while you blow up your candle and cut the cake, and holding you saying happy birthday to you and tell you how much I love you.

But for now let me just represent my actions into words;

Happy Birthday, Love!

I’m hoping you the best in life, I’m hoping for your happiness, I’m hoping that everyone treats you right, I’m hoping you get what you wish for. And don’t forget to be grateful for everything that God has given to you, and may God’s blessings be upon you and your whole family. Many happy returns. And I love you like….i love you (guess how much?) well I love you like you wouldn’t believe.

With Love all the way from here, Clara. 

To Myself

I didn’t even want to start this with the sweet greetings, dear Me. Because at the very first time this cheesy idea—a love letter for myself—popped into my head, I hated myself. Like. There you go again, self-centered narcissistic doer.

But then I recalled what Diane Von Furstenberg said in the quotey Tumblr I saw long time ago: “The most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself. Because no matter what happens, you will always be with yourself.”
The iconic American fashion designer’s sentence… I suppose she’s true.

So, okay.

Dear Me,

This is a very-short lovey letter for you. You, too, deserve something nice, sincere, and sweet after all this time. Don’t you?

Well, I got a little nervous here. Hello. This is me, you must be familiar enough since we integrally life in the same body.

Let’s just cut the crap.

Your mediocrity, never fail in fascinating me. You may not the biggest fish in pond, not a prettiest girl in town. You’re not an object for envy. You’re such a lazy arse, not so smart though. You read books a lot, nerdy much eh? You are over dramatically mellow when it comes to love.

But look what you’ve done. Those smile. Spontaneous nicety. Your gentle caress. Cats even in love with you even though you have the opposite feeling for them.. People always ended up forgiving your fault. Because they know, you never meant to be cruel. Yes. You never do. People always ended up laughing at your jokes. Because you are hilarious even with your non—sense humor. And people always ended up asking ‘what’s wrong’ when you put a frown on your face. Because they can’t stand seeing you so upset about whatever—things—are.

Your insecurity, ah you have it a lot but somehow you manage to brush it away, even when your so—called friends calling you names. You just giving them your biggest smile brace up like it’s all nothing. But now, leave your achiever friends for a while, relax with me. Take your time. You’ve been being a good friend for all. Put in your shoes, can they do better than you? (A little shake of your head could answer it all.)



Until next time,
Me

Tanpa Judul

2014 has been a huge start for me, and these past weeks has been the most challenging yet heart breaking moment.

Pernah gak sih kamu berada di satu momen dimana kamu sedang ada di persimpangan jalan, situation are forcing you to make a choice tapi kamu cuma diem, gak pingin ngapa-ngapain. It's like you just wanted everything else to stop, for a moment or two, and breath.

Everything happened so fast that can't even feel the clock ticking and the wind moving. It's like in a snap, it just happened, like that. Udah jadi gitu aja, you can't even feel the process.

I have a sort-of love-hate relationship with this matter, waiting.
Either itu menunggu kendaraan, menunggu minum yang udah lama di order, atau menunggu...apa hayo.
Hahaha apapun itu there's always this funny and heart breaking feeling when it comes to waiting.

Last week, i was having a total heart-breaking moment. I was crying, i felt stupid.
Kenapa? karena saya harus ucapkan selamat tinggal untuk perasaan saya.

People said that loving someone is worth the wait, but is it really?

Saya menunggu seseorang untuk 6 bulan lamanya. Saya menjaga perasaan saya untuk 6 bulan lamanya. Dan setelah 6 bulan itu saya harus mengucapkan selamat tinggal untuk seseorang. Hari ini tepat satu minggu saya menjauhkan diri dari seseorang.

I was having personal battle with my heart.

Saya ditinggalkan oleh seseorang, and i was wondering what did i do wrong? Saya pikir saya sudah melakukan yang benar menunggu dan menjaga perasaan saya untuk dia. Waktu itu saya marah besar kepada dia, i was feeling betrayed.

Bukankah perasaan itu seperti wine. The longer the date, the better the taste. The longer the process, the better the quality.

But then we couldn't really blame on the feelings, because it's there for a reason. Tapi yang jadi masalah adalah timing nya. Having feelings itu yang paling susah adalah bukan saat ditolak atau di abaikan, tapi ketika harus disimpan sampai waktunya tiba and in my case the time hasn't come yet. Feelings forces us to rush things up. Mereka yang membuat kita menunggu.

Lalu setelah satu minggu penuh i'm having some time apart saya mulai berpikir, I guess soal tahan lama atau enggak nya, it all depend on us. And it doesn't mean that semua harus dilama-lamain, but the time and the process has to be right. Not too long and not too fast. I mean, if it's meant to be then it will be, right? We don't have to force things up. Let time and let God do their part, and let us do our part. Being the best guy and the best girl that we could be.

Mungkin, selama ini saya yang tidak bisa membaca waktu dan perasaannya. Saya terlalu terburu-buru menyimpulkan bahwa dia menginginkan saya seperti saya menginginkan dia. Saya tidak menyalahkan dia, atau perasaan atau waktu yang sudah saya gunakan untuk menunggunya, tetapi justru saya menertawai diri sendiri karena semua itu.

Falling in love are beautiful, it changes our perspective, the way we see things. But we don't have to rush it. Taking it slow and enjoy the ride. Just as time will heal, and it also will decide. It doesn't mean that the road will be smooth and nothing will be broken, but I could guarantee that it is all worth the wait.

Untuk kamu disana, i just wanted to say that;
"i wish nothing but the best for you"

Farewell

I’m a scribbler. I scribble a lot.


Over these past few weeks, I have especially been writing a lot with a whole mumbo-jumbo of mixed emotions. Weell, not to the point where I bravely post it in here… Mostly it just end up in my Draft Folder, like every other writing that I wrote, maybe because it’s too downright honest.

But after a lot of consideration, here’s a thought that’s worth to share with you all;


Of the hundreds of relationships you participate in throughout the course of your roller coaster life — associations of all kind: good/bad, joyful/sad, casual/serious, friendly/hostile, short/long, romantic/heartbreaking and everything in between, there will always be this one relationship that harrows you like an old wound that refuses to heal. It haunts your mind, frequents your thoughts, making it hard for you to just, breathe.

Not that like it’s impossible to heal, but maybe a part of you, unconsciously, is letting the hurt to ail you. Or maybe it’s because of the fact that you find yourself reluctant to fight a losing battle when your emotions are swinging back and forth like those dusty old broken saloon doors on rusty hinges.

You restlessly live, breathe, dream, and repeat— but such malady of discontent and heartbreak just won’t go away! Causing your heart and emotions to play a constant game of tug of war, each pulling one end of your instincts.

Wrestling with your emotions over the dream of someone who still claims so much of your sentiment but it just falls flat on the reality that the person, is no longer there… well isn’t that lovely.

Trying to make it all feel better, you try to settle down and think.

But you realize that you can't. So you choose to distract yourself… And it works wonders.

I spent a lot of nights tossing over it and it seems all roads lead to one conclusion. Ultimately, my prayer is that Jesus continue His ever-present work in my heart, change me from the inside out, unearth and kill off those roots of sin, doubt and immorality so that I may better reflect Christ, so that I may better serve Him, so that I may better understand and live the life of love He’s called me to live.

The more you mull over it, think about, and go over the scene in your mind, the more it has the opportunity to take root within your soul and plant deep seeds of bitterness.

Though I’m still learning, I’m trying hard to forgive, and the only thing that will ruin that, is if I keep on thinking about it. So better not, don’t you think? :)


My only job in this case is just to love them as Christ loves me, and to demonstrate His noble love no matter how they act in return. But how often do I worry about living a pure life of love if/when I’m not living the way God has commanded me as a follower of Christ? By all means, I am guilty.

I just want to have that hunger to experience the fullness of all God has for me on this earth, I wan’t to be caught up in the most epic adventure of a Christ-centered life, I want to be so a live and ebullient in God that I’m unshakable to the point that no allure of the world can pull myself into apathy or impassivity, most of all, I want to demonstrate God’s love towards people and that my personality and character to be His means of expression.

And thus, I believe that even when you’re going through trials or hardships in life, they can even remind you that all that are actually exciting God-given opportunities to gain greater victory, patience, faith, strength, and dependence upon Him.

So goodbye now to the breakdown between thought, emotion and behavior. Farewell to faulty perception and inapt actions and feelings. Goodbye to withdrawal from reality and personal relationships into fantasy and delusion. Good riddance to an overwhelming sense of mental fragmentation.

This is not like my usual post but it has to be said and i’m so excited about life.

To Him be glory, greatness and power.

“I ask you that we all love each other. And love means living the way God commanded us to live. As you have heard form the beginning, God’s command is this: Live a life of love.”

2 John 5-6.