To The Guy That I Love Hopelessly

Dear you…

I hate the fact that I am trying to reconstruct what I think about you.
I hate the fact that you show your dimple when you smile it makes me lose my balance, and how badly i want to shove a pencil into your dimple, oh well that sounded creepy, wasn't it?
I hate the fact that your green orbs eyes-blink make my hypothalamus order my body to stimulate adrenaline that enables my heart to pump two times faster, resulting my body to wet in this disgusting love sweat.

Why do you have to be so amazing?

Dear you…

Thank you for making me one step closer to be desperately in love with you than i already am.
Thank you for making me imagine how my hand would touch yours when I introduce you who I am.
Thank you for doing absolutely nothing, not even responding to how I feel.
Thank you for being so fantabulously amazing, ah, yes of course, I know that you live in a higher ground. I need to jump in order to grasp your toe.

But please, please, just stand there. So I know where you stand and how high I need to jump.

Dear you…

Can’t you hear it?
Can’t you hear me saying your names in my prayer? That someday you will even notice that we’re in the same world after all. That we breathe the same air.
I don’t have to switch my fin to have pairs of feet by my voice just to be part of your world, do I?
I don’t have to leave one pair of slippers just to make you chase me, do I?
I don’t have to roar in the middle of jungle just to make you realize that I exist, do I?
I don’t have to secretly wish to a magic genie to turn me into princess to outshine your aura, do I?

I never think I love you.
I never know I love you.
My brain, every smallest neuron particle of it, always orders me to find a magic wand to obliviate myself and erase you from my memory. I want to forget you. Indeed.
My rationality has never been this clear. And yet, my heart. My heart can’t just suddenly stop beating for you.
Do you know when your mother beats her heart for yours? That moment you don’t even have a heart. You’re just an embryo formed from a strong sperm injecting an ovum. You barely exist. But your mother’s heart has sustained your life in her womb.
My heart doesn’t sustain your heart. It sustains mine. It has to pump two times faster to make me live.

It hurts to forget you. It hurts to imagine that you don’t exist. Because you do exist, living life that i know i wouldn't fit in.
If I have to forget you, what will I get?
Yes, my heart will pump slower just like any other days before I met you.
Just like those other days filled with boredom and empty ambition.
Just like those old days filled with nothing.

Dear you…

I can no longer live with a slow pumping heart.
You are my pacemaker. You make my heart beats two times faster. You spark excitement to my life. To a certain extent, I feel that what I am having is idiocy. But to think that there might be chances where we meet, look at each other, smile at each other, and hold hands to say “Hi”… It denounces all my rational calculation. Possibility might still exist if I bear this pain.

For now, allow me to think of you.
For now, allow me to visualize how I might randomly meet you in the perfect time and perfect place.
For now, allow me to imagine how I will approach you, and you approach me, look up to me and listen very carefully when I whisper, “Hello, I love you”.

Sincerely,
A Girl Who Hopelessly in Love With You