Life Is Tough, Love Is Even More

It’s been a year! Wow. In case you guys wondering, I’ve grown up. Now I’m in my second semester of college. Life has been good, college is treating me just fine. But apparently my love life isn’t fine, it’s downright tragic. I’m having trouble at making friends here, I used to be an easy going, cheerful kind of girl but now it seems like I set a certain boundary that makes me a bit closed off somehow, and insecure. God why is it so hard to overcome insecurities? It makes me as a pessimist and I don’t like it one bit.

So anyway, I’m going to rant about my friendship and my love life, because I don’t know what else should I write in here, I’m an emotional wreck at the moment, I’m sad, I’m miserable, and the list goes on and on. When I’m comfortable with someone or a group of people, I invest all my trust in them, and I’m having a habit when it comes to love, I always love deeply, I fall all the way in. it’s unhealthy sometimes.

I have some close friends here, they’re pretty nice. They come from different backgrounds and ages, some are way older than me, but all is good. I met a lot of new people in here, and I happened to take a huge liking to someone in here as well. Too bad life doesn’t always go as the plan, me and him are just not meant to be, or at least that’s what I’m believing.

I was the one who made a move on him, I messaged him through LINE and he didn’t reply immediately, it took him 2 weeks to reply. Oh I forgot to mention though, he’s not the biggest fish in pond, he’s not the kind of guy that you’d fall at the first glance but once you see right through him, you couldn’t help but fall, deeply. Well I did.

You know what they say about how cruel this world is, and life likes to play game, twist each and everyone’s plot lives. That, happened to me. One of my closest friends takes an interest on the same guy as me, surprise surprise? What hurt me the most is, the fact that she knows damn well about how I feel toward him, yet she keeps on taunting me by getting even more close to him. God, I sounded like a bitch blaming my friend of my heartache. I just can’t help myself, I’m hurt, terribly. I was the first one who saw him, the first one who fell yet I am the one who lost. But I’m a coward, I’m avoiding a competition, I don’t want to fight, especially not with my closest friend.

I am learning that when love wants to stay, it will stay. And I am learning when love wants to go, it will go. I’m trying to tell myself that if something is meant to be mine then never in any way it’ll be someone else’s. If something is meant to be mine then whatever obstacle that gets in the way will be overcome because this thing and I are meant to be. If something is meant to be mine then the wait will be worth it. If something is meant to be mine, I have to be patient. 

But I can’t deny the anxiety of not knowing whether this thing that I want will indeed be mine. Not to mention, how entitled it is to expect that certain thing is meant to be mine. Like, who am I to claim that I am the right person? How can I be sure there’s no one else deserves it but myself? 

Oh this guilt. This toxic overthinking.

And how can you tell something isn’t yours? They say if something is meant to be yours then it should fall into place easily, but they also say that good things take time and effort - so how do you know? When should one stop waiting and trying?

But I know that it will hurt more than one people if I keep on living in this blurry line, and it’s not that he doesn’t worth a fight, no, because he deserves a fight, and he is so gaddamn special, but I can’t fight with someone else, if I can’t even fight with myself, my toxic overthinking self, my insecurities, I gotta fight it all first. So I'm letting him go, for he is to find what's meant to be his. It is hard, but from where I'm about to bury him, the most beautiful flowers will bloom.

Mr. Fiction

When I was 4 I asked my mom to buy me a princess gown for my birthday, at that time I felt like a princess in the movie, with the tiara on top of my head, beautiful gown, and clacking-heels. I read and watched a lot of princesses stories. To put on a list; Cinderella, Beauty and The Beast, Little Mermaid, Alladin, Rapunzel, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, etcetera. You know the end of their stories, their happily ever after with their princes.

Cinderella, unfortunate girl, who doesn’t have anyone but herself to rely on. She wears ugly clothes, she lives with her cruel stepmother and stepsisters. She sounded like a sad story, told twice over. But then one night, everything changes. I wonder, why would the prince go after her? How come he falls for her? He doesn’t even know her traits whatsoever. But then again, Cindy is pretty. When I was a kid I wanted to have pretty hair, pretty face, pretty skin. I wanted to be physically pretty, so I could find my prince charming.

When I’ve come of age, I read a lot of literature novels, mostly romance. I have a long list of the literature heroes, villains, and the tritagonists. Unlike those childhood stories, literature novels have become more complex, and I love the complexity of it. A good story leads me to a good ending. I didn’t like reading books with sad endings, because it just not right. A good book always has a happy ending, I thought. I wanted to be Elizabeth so I could end up with my very own Darcy. I didn’t want to be Catherine who went off with the wrong prince charming. I wanted to go for a prince charming, not the villain, the bad guy. I wanted my very own mister fiction as what romance movies and books would describe.

I am a hopeless romantic, my heart flutters whenever I read or watch romantic scenes. Warm spreads through my body. The girl in the book, or movie usually described as the pretty one. I once watched Ugly Betty and it felt off when he ended up with her charming boss, an ugly girl does not belong with a prince charming, I thought. But as i grew up I started seeing thigs in different way. I realized that, you can’t demand anything to be perfect, you can’t always be pretty. And I am not physically pretty. For once i felt like the ugly betty waiting for her charming boss to sweep her off her feet.

I have a friend, she liked a guy, a prince charming kind of guy. She made a move but you know, turned out a prince charming so called guy was a douche. She came to me and cried. She told me that he said, to quote what he said; “you’re a nice girl, but look at me and look at you.” That was just so cruel, he basically told her that she wasn’t pretty. Ugh what an absolute jerk. But after a couple of months, I found out that my friend found someone, someone that I’d classify as the villain of the story. Why? Because this guy used to picked up on my friend, but then he turned out to be the hero of the story. He made my friend happy.

I have this theory, that sometimes weare blinded with a pretty face, dresses, clacking-heels, and a tiara. That makes us think; without them we would never meet our prince charming. But you know what? Sometimes the prince charming is just too busy of being charming which turns out to be cocky and obnoxious.

I met someone, we disagree to a lot of things. One time, he said that life is unfair, but I said that life is fair because it’s unfair to everyone. And for the first time he agreed with me. As we talked and talked, we have gotten to know more about each other, and guess what? Shockingly, we actually have a lot in common. I like radiohead, he does too. I like movies, he does too. I like books, and he does too. He was a villain of the story, but the villain turned out to be quite charming, that he swept me off my feet. Your biggest enemy sometimes can be your best friend. Well, me and him didn’t last long but at least I’ve known what it felt like to have my Mr. Fiction. The new version of my Mr. Fiction.

I’m not insecure, I am quite confident. I may not be the prettiest girl in town, I can’t make a guy falls for me with my physical appearance. But I’m sure I can make a guy fall for me with my mind. I don’t want to be the ugly betty, but I don’t want to be a princess anymore too. The Prince in Cinderella’s story never really know what’s in Cindy’s mind. All he knows is that Cindy has a pretty face. And I don’t want that kind of story.

I’m just gonna live my life to the fullest, maybe if I’m lucky I’ll find my Mr. Fiction, half villain and half hero, as long as he knows what I’m capable to do with my mind then just be it. Because this is a real life, there’s no such thing as the perfect prince charming. No more Elizabeth and Darcy. It'll just be Clara and Her (real life) Mr. Fiction.

Sooooo, fingers crossed everyone! :)

Escaping

I am not the type of person who likes to be alone, but sometimes I like to have my own space.
I like to take my laptop and download some old-ish songs that remind me of the memories.
I like to let my imagination takes over myself and roaming around the impossible places that I couldn’t reach if I do it myself. Places where only the sounds of the wind that I could hear, the pictures of the memories that I could see, the feelings of the unspoken words that I could say.
That’s just how I clean my thoughts.

I like to leave the ground behind.
I will take one of my favorite novels, and put my earphone on and get drown in a new world.
I like to daydream what I am gonna do in 5 years, who will I end up settle down with, or sometimes I like to replay the old memories like why?
Why I said those things?
Why I let that happened?
Why didn’t I do this?
Well something like that.

A lot of people said that I’m delusional. They said I am too imaginative. But what they don’t know is, I’m just trying to replay those things, I’m trying to do the cross-check about the things that had happened.
I have to finish what I’ve started. That’s what I’ve always said to myself, because there were so many things that I left halfway.  And since then I’ve always kept in mind, when things happen I have to finish it for good. If I fight, I have to end it with peace. If I get hurt, I have to forgive. That is what I called as responsibility, that’s what I called as loyalty, and I am still learning about it.

I like to create scanarios in my head. When I read a book or watch a movie, I like to think differently. What if this girl goes to other place, or sometimes I like to do a roleplay where I am the main character in that book and experience the things in its world.
Or when I listen to a song, I like to mark it as my favorite and start to imagine things about that song. I like to connect the dots, draw a line and compare my life with that song.

Everyone has their own way to escape from the real world, build their safehaven. And this is how I do it, this is my safehaven where I will just gonna drop the thoughts that I have in mind and explore myself in a whole new perspective, in a whole new world.
When I can’t travelling, my mind does the job. Swarming around the street and bring me to my intention where it answers all the curiosity. When I think about someone who hurt me and then I will just visit my memory lane until I found what I've been looking for, forgiveness and affection.
Many people misapplied their imagination, and it will just bring them down to the bottom of the cliff of confusion. When in fact, imagination shouldn’t have brought you down to a deluded place. It should’ve been an enhance button that helps you to understand things that you need to do.

I like to refresh bad memories of mine. Memories that can only hurt me and that can open the old wounds. I like to gateaway to start afresh and bury all those memories at the back of mind. I like to have my own space so I can really feel the feeling of being present. And disenchant myself for every heartbeat, for every breath, for every blink of eyes that those rubbish thoughts and memories are nothing compared to what I have now.
It’s like you put off your heavy bag, your jacket, your shoes, and let loose your tight ponytail, that’s all a realief, that bring out a satisfactory sigh.

Like a notebook that full filled with handwriting.
When a blank a paper is full with our handwriting, just turn the page and start another one.
Clean, new, and ready to be written.

Like a new novel, we open a new chapter.
We don’t know what we’re going to read ahead, unless we start reading it now. And then we will find out.

My life could be little and boring for you. But at least it’s mine; not some assembly-line, autopilot life driven by media.

And this is how I do it, to start something new. With silent, thinking, and letting go.
How about you?

Kalau

Kamu paling suka bermain ‘Kalau’.

Gantungkan nasib pada hal lain agar kita sendiri tak terbebani, itu ide utamanya, bukan? Sudah banyak kalau-kalau yang keluar dari khayalmu. Kalau-kalau yang membuatku terkatung di ruang tanpa dasar.

Kalau lampu merah itu jadi hijau dalam 3 detik, aku akan jadi pacar kamu!
Kalau keretanya lewat dari kanan, kamu dan aku berjodoh!
Kalau kucing itu belok kanan, kita akan jadi teman seumur hidup!
Kalau koin ini menujukkan angka, maka kita…berjodoh.

Kamu dan kalaumu.
Aku dan pastiku.

Oke. Begini saja. Kalau kau menang suit dariku, kau ikut aku ke Bali.

Maka aku menang dengan tiga gunting berturut-turut. Maka kita terbang ke Denpasar. Maka kita basah di laut yang sama, tidur di angin yang sama, dan kenyang dengan roti yang sama.
Setiap kalau itu keluar dari mulutmu, jantungku melambat setengah ketukan. Nasibku digantung di tali itu. Tali kalau.

Kalau besok masih ada hari, kita akan bersama lagi!
Kalau aku tidur nanti, aku ingin mimpikan kamu!
Kalau tidak ada matahari, aku masih punya kamu untuk menyinari duniaku!

Kenapa kamu begitu tenggelam dalam laut kalau? Bukannya kalau telah membunuh perasaanmu sendiri? Kalau, kalau kalau, ka, lau, kal, au, kalau kalau kalau.
Kal.au, Gal.au.
AH! Tidak tidak.

Kita mendengar cerita bahwa Adam hidup bersama Hawa karena mereka berbagi tulang rusuk. Tuhan menciptakan mereka tanpa kalau.

Lalu kamu bilang,

Kalau Hawa tidak makan buah dari pohon itu apa yang akan terjadi?
Kalau Tuhan tidak menciptakan Hawa apa yang akan terjadi?

Ah, aku mana punya jawaban untuk itu.

Aku selalu hidup dengan kepastian dan keyakinanku.

Aku yakin akan dirimu, tapi mengapa kamu ragu?

Lalu kamu bertanya untuk terakhir kali,

Kalau Hawa tidak diciptakan dari tulang rusuk apa yang akan terjadi?

Lalu jawabku,

Aku yakin perempuan itu diciptakan dari tulang rusuk yang dekat dengan hati agar disayang. Perempuan tidak diciptakan dari tulang kaki agar tidak diinjak injak.

Kamu memejamkan mata dan bilang,

Kalau aku pergi dan kembali lagi, maka sambutlah aku
Tetapi kalau aku tidak kembali, relakan saja.

Tidak!
Bagaimana kalau kamu tidak kembali?
Bagaimana kalau kamu hanya pergi begitu saja?

Ah, puas kah kau sekarang VIRUS KALAUMU SUDAH MULAI TERTANAM DAN BERKEMBANG dalam diriku!

Aku hanya ingin memusnahkan keraguan, aku hanya ingin kau dan aku memiliki asa dalam kepastian.

Tanpa Judul

2014 has been a huge start for me, and these past weeks has been the most challenging yet heart breaking moment.

Pernah gak sih kamu berada di satu momen dimana kamu sedang ada di persimpangan jalan, situation are forcing you to make a choice tapi kamu cuma diem, gak pingin ngapa-ngapain. It's like you just wanted everything else to stop, for a moment or two, and breath.

Everything happened so fast that can't even feel the clock ticking and the wind moving. It's like in a snap, it just happened, like that. Udah jadi gitu aja, you can't even feel the process.

I have a sort-of love-hate relationship with this matter, waiting.
Either itu menunggu kendaraan, menunggu minum yang udah lama di order, atau menunggu...apa hayo.
Hahaha apapun itu there's always this funny and heart breaking feeling when it comes to waiting.

Last week, i was having a total heart-breaking moment. I was crying, i felt stupid.
Kenapa? karena saya harus ucapkan selamat tinggal untuk perasaan saya.

People said that loving someone is worth the wait, but is it really?

Saya menunggu seseorang untuk 6 bulan lamanya. Saya menjaga perasaan saya untuk 6 bulan lamanya. Dan setelah 6 bulan itu saya harus mengucapkan selamat tinggal untuk seseorang. Hari ini tepat satu minggu saya menjauhkan diri dari seseorang.

I was having personal battle with my heart.

Saya ditinggalkan oleh seseorang, and i was wondering what did i do wrong? Saya pikir saya sudah melakukan yang benar menunggu dan menjaga perasaan saya untuk dia. Waktu itu saya marah besar kepada dia, i was feeling betrayed.

Bukankah perasaan itu seperti wine. The longer the date, the better the taste. The longer the process, the better the quality.

But then we couldn't really blame on the feelings, because it's there for a reason. Tapi yang jadi masalah adalah timing nya. Having feelings itu yang paling susah adalah bukan saat ditolak atau di abaikan, tapi ketika harus disimpan sampai waktunya tiba and in my case the time hasn't come yet. Feelings forces us to rush things up. Mereka yang membuat kita menunggu.

Lalu setelah satu minggu penuh i'm having some time apart saya mulai berpikir, I guess soal tahan lama atau enggak nya, it all depend on us. And it doesn't mean that semua harus dilama-lamain, but the time and the process has to be right. Not too long and not too fast. I mean, if it's meant to be then it will be, right? We don't have to force things up. Let time and let God do their part, and let us do our part. Being the best guy and the best girl that we could be.

Mungkin, selama ini saya yang tidak bisa membaca waktu dan perasaannya. Saya terlalu terburu-buru menyimpulkan bahwa dia menginginkan saya seperti saya menginginkan dia. Saya tidak menyalahkan dia, atau perasaan atau waktu yang sudah saya gunakan untuk menunggunya, tetapi justru saya menertawai diri sendiri karena semua itu.

Falling in love are beautiful, it changes our perspective, the way we see things. But we don't have to rush it. Taking it slow and enjoy the ride. Just as time will heal, and it also will decide. It doesn't mean that the road will be smooth and nothing will be broken, but I could guarantee that it is all worth the wait.

Untuk kamu disana, i just wanted to say that;
"i wish nothing but the best for you"

Brain and Heart

Brain: "Heart, i can’t reach you. Tell me your skype, i wanna talk to you".

Heart : "Sorry, i’m busy preparing myself for him. Call me later"

Brain : “It’s about him, i had a bad feeling”

Heart : “Pardon me, feeling? Hey i owned that. Where’s your logic anyway?”

Brain : "I can’t reach you! if you keep not listen to me, i’m gonna dissapear. Let’s talk"

Heart : "I’m BUSY. LEAVE ME ALONE"

—————————————-—————————————-

Heart : "Brain….. i’m not busy right now. This place is still empty. He’s not coming. Are you there?"

Heart in the head : "Yes, i am here" 

Marah

Semua orang berlomba-lomba untuk berwibawa. Ujung-ujung nya tolol.

Semua orang berlomba-lomba untuk didengar. Ujung-ujung nya semua pura-pura tuli.

Semua orang berlomba lomba menjadi penguasa dan penjilat. Ujung-ujung nya kualat.

Semua orang berlomba-lomba jadi kaya. Ujung-ujung nya gila.

Semua orang berlomba-lomba untuk perduli. Ujung-ujung nya hanya kepo.

Semua orang berlomba-lomba untuk dipuji. Ujung-ujung nya hanya cari popularitas.

Semua orang berlomba-lomba untuk dihormati. Ujung-ujung nya jadi tidak tahu diri.

Semua orang berlomba-lomba jadi cantik. Ujung-ujung nya maksa.

Semua orang berlomba-lomba (terlihat) pintar. Ujung-ujung nya ngotot.

Banyak orang memuja senjata demi kekuasaan.

Banyak orang mati demi baju bagus dan perhiasan.

Banyak orang berani malu demi kepopularitasan.

Hidup bukan hanya sekedar popularitas, harta, jabatan, atau kecantikan.

Hidup itu waktu.

Hidup itu pelajaran.

Hidup itu kesempatan.

Saya marah terhadap diri sendiri, saya marah terhadap orang-orang. Bahwa tanpa kita sadari hidup kita terpaku pada keegoisan.

Saya marah, dunia ini marah, tapi jangan biarkan Tuhan marah.
Karena, apa yang kita miliki saat ini adalah milik-Nya, dan sudah seharusnya kita memusatkan diri pada-Nya, bukan pada hal duniawi.

To Someone That I Have Been Dreaming Of

They say that perfect men are not real, I assume they’re true. The thing is, I don’t need a perfect man. I simply need you—someone I haven’t even known yet—who’s willing and going to complete my incomplete puzzle, who loves me, passionately, just the way I am, someone who can understand my weirdness. That one particular person whose weirdness is compatible to mine, because I’m that weird.

I don’t know who you are now. Let me guess. You’re probably watching those non-sense movie, or maybe you’re reading a book, in your room while looking at the ceiling, or you probably are gazing on Jakarta’s beautiful sky scrappers. Perhaps, you’re not even in Jakarta. What if you’re actually in a different timezone from me, reading a book you recently just bought from Barnes and Nobles in Central Park, New York City? Or you just got back from wallmart and listen to the same music as me?

I’ve mentioned a lot about someone who reads. It’s probably because I want you to have the same hobby as I do. I want to read a book, with you by my side, let our minds wander in our own readings, experiencing what Mia and Vincent from Pulp Fiction did. When we can just shut our mouths up, and comfortably enjoy the silence.

Dear you,

I don’t know how we will meet and where we will see each other. Oh, probably I’ve already met you before. You’re probably the guy who always goes to the same bookshop as I do, or maybe once you went to the same cafe as I did. Or you’re the guy who went to the same school as me?

My mind is tired of wondering of what kind of person you are. Are you a guy who wears clothes with collars every single day? Are you someone who’s as simple as what you love to wear every single day, a comfy t-shirt and a pair of skinny jeans? Are you a type of person who listens to Jazz music and love to write a piece of music, with soothing melody? I have no idea. And no, don’t worry. Once I already met you, I won’t compare you to my favorite fictional character or my favorite actors ;)

To someone I don’t even know yet, someone who will make reality seem better than what romantic-happy-ending-novel always describes, someone who proves that happy ending isn’t only in the movies, someone who quotes a lot from books and always compares whenever a movie out of the book he reads come out, I love you. And I’ve been waiting for you to come.

With love,
The Girl Who Has Been Expecting to Meet You Soon

Rangkaian Tentang Kau

Kau, benang hidupku, kita sulam waktu bersama untuk jutaan windu

Kau, museum masa depan, ku tabung senyummu mulai dari sekarang

Kau, bilangan sempurna, akan ku hitung hingga ajal menjelma di hadapan kita

Kau, adalah tuturan doa, yang akan selalu kuaminkan

Kau, bagaikan rumah, tempat dimana aku menetap

Kau, gaungan suara, yang hanya terdengar dikepalaku

Kau, kertas putih kosong, akan ku tulis jutaan kisah kita diatasnya

Kau, tanah tempat berpijak, menopang tegapku memetik langit

Kau, sepasang sayap, membawa ku terbang menuju tak terbatas

Kau, api yang menghangatkan, mendekapku erat dalam dingin malam

Kau, adalah gravitasi, biar ragaku jatuh atas dirimu

Kau, rangkain bunga mawar, harummu semerbakkan hariku

Kau, adalah piano, yang memainkan lagu-lagu cinta

Kau, pelukis handal, sapukan warna merah jambu pada pipiku

Kau, hembusan angin, menyapu air mata yang turun

Kau, kumpulan rindu, rentang panjang yang tak ingin ku ukur

Kau, lentera cahaya, terangkan makna bahwa cinta sejati ada

Kau, jantung hatiku, denyut dan degupnya selalu terdengar saat bersamamu

Kau, seperti harmoni, music mengalun indah disetiap kecapmu

Kau, kumpulan album foto, yang menyimpan kenangan dalam gambar

Kau, adalah jawaban, yang akan kupilih sampai mati

Kau, kumpulan sajak, uraian kata yang tersimpan dalam ruang hati

Kau, sosok paling rasional, yang membuatku berpikir irasional

Tertanda,

Clara Eclesia Fides.

My Waiting Game

Whether you love it or not. It seems that waiting is the only thing anyone ever gets done,

Some knows what they’re waiting for and some don’t. Some people love waiting because it gives them something to hang on to. Some pepople probably confuse whether they have to holding on or letting go. And some are tired of waiting because they have no clue about what lies beyond. Whatever the reason you know, there’s just one sure thing, they’re still searching for something. I guess we all are.

But the problem is, most of the time we get so busy of waiting and forget what indescribable beauty is right in front of us. As for me, my waiting game’s been about how it would end. And that happened.

For me, the past few weeks have been shimmering. I’ve been standing in a line where everything looks briliantly blur. Because recently, i had to say goodbye to someone very close and so dearly loved to me.

Sometimes i must rub my eyes and after a second i shake my head in an attempt to collect my thoughts and bring me back to the reality. Because everything’s unbelievable at the current moment.

It might not be any big of a deal for him, but for me it sure is. I might look okay and ignorant about it, but hey i’d be a big total fat liar if i don’t admit that i still spend some of my nights, tossing and turning, thinking about you.

Probably the idea of drifting away from each other, and carrying on with our lives without me not having you by my side is surprisingly, very scary for me.

Everything doesn’t seem that promising anymore. I know eventually this kind of thing would happen but i just wish it didn’t happen like this. It’s really crazy how all this time, i’ve been busily wondering and trying to create a scenario about a goodbye that won’t hurt. That’s just wishful thinking i have to say.

One of the things that suffocates me the most is probably how i still got an endless amount of things i secretly want to say and an equally lenghty list of questions i wish i could ask. It’s not the kind of goodbye that i had in mind, and probably it wouldn’t have worked out anyways, but i still think about you too much it’s unhealthy.

It’s really confusing when the half of you aches for things to be the way they once were, the other half longs to forget the whole thing ever happened. Regardless of your role in the conclusion of the relationship, it left you shattered and bringing it up after all this time would only pour another dose of potent heartbreak for both of you. I can’t stop thinking about the fact that ‘things will never be the way they used to be’ and that’s what hurts most.

You both know where your identities lie, who ultimately claims your heart and where your fortresses are. And those things are truly what matter most, but this unforeseen goodbye is still severely painful and there’s no way denying that. It keeps me awake for some of the nights.

It’s easy to plan. It’s not hard to expect. It’s easy to intend things to fall into place, give or take some heartache along the way.

Things can change in a split-second and sometimes you have no idea what you’ve got until it’s finally gone. Sometimes life isn’t about the destination, but about the journey designed to take you there.

The last thing i want to do is wish my life away, be it a advice to eclipse exhaustion, fatigue, apathy or otherwise. These days are too valuable and i cannot plan which one will be my last. With that outlook. Each day, hour, and minute is suddenly very precious. I know that i must be thankful for everything even for the dull moments because the reality is that i could pass into eternity tonight, next week, six months from now or in fifty years.

I need to appreciate the time i’ve been given because that time is not something i can count on. It will elapse at some point and when i look back at the life i’ve just lived, what will i think of it? I don’t want to cross the finish line and feel the tiniest hint of disappointment. Maybe i still don’t understand why it happened, but i guess that’s the fun of it. Waiting until life reveals the answer.

This is me being honest.

I tossed and turned a lot these past few weeks. I care about someone for too much.

So here’s hoping for a better feeling if i send this simple message out into the void:

I still care about you. I think about you all the time. I’m praying for you constantly. I want so badly to know you’re being taken care of. I wish you the best in life, not because you’ll surely find it, but because you deserve it. You deserve so much. I am endlessly grateful to Him (God) for the time that has been given to me, for us, for allowing me to be a part of someone’s life in some small way, for blessing me in ways that are utterly indescribable. I appreciate you, i really do.

I just wish you knew how much i miss you.

Ik hou van jou zo veel.