My Waiting Game

Whether you love it or not. It seems that waiting is the only thing anyone ever gets done,

Some knows what they’re waiting for and some don’t. Some people love waiting because it gives them something to hang on to. Some pepople probably confuse whether they have to holding on or letting go. And some are tired of waiting because they have no clue about what lies beyond. Whatever the reason you know, there’s just one sure thing, they’re still searching for something. I guess we all are.

But the problem is, most of the time we get so busy of waiting and forget what indescribable beauty is right in front of us. As for me, my waiting game’s been about how it would end. And that happened.

For me, the past few weeks have been shimmering. I’ve been standing in a line where everything looks briliantly blur. Because recently, i had to say goodbye to someone very close and so dearly loved to me.

Sometimes i must rub my eyes and after a second i shake my head in an attempt to collect my thoughts and bring me back to the reality. Because everything’s unbelievable at the current moment.

It might not be any big of a deal for him, but for me it sure is. I might look okay and ignorant about it, but hey i’d be a big total fat liar if i don’t admit that i still spend some of my nights, tossing and turning, thinking about you.

Probably the idea of drifting away from each other, and carrying on with our lives without me not having you by my side is surprisingly, very scary for me.

Everything doesn’t seem that promising anymore. I know eventually this kind of thing would happen but i just wish it didn’t happen like this. It’s really crazy how all this time, i’ve been busily wondering and trying to create a scenario about a goodbye that won’t hurt. That’s just wishful thinking i have to say.

One of the things that suffocates me the most is probably how i still got an endless amount of things i secretly want to say and an equally lenghty list of questions i wish i could ask. It’s not the kind of goodbye that i had in mind, and probably it wouldn’t have worked out anyways, but i still think about you too much it’s unhealthy.

It’s really confusing when the half of you aches for things to be the way they once were, the other half longs to forget the whole thing ever happened. Regardless of your role in the conclusion of the relationship, it left you shattered and bringing it up after all this time would only pour another dose of potent heartbreak for both of you. I can’t stop thinking about the fact that ‘things will never be the way they used to be’ and that’s what hurts most.

You both know where your identities lie, who ultimately claims your heart and where your fortresses are. And those things are truly what matter most, but this unforeseen goodbye is still severely painful and there’s no way denying that. It keeps me awake for some of the nights.

It’s easy to plan. It’s not hard to expect. It’s easy to intend things to fall into place, give or take some heartache along the way.

Things can change in a split-second and sometimes you have no idea what you’ve got until it’s finally gone. Sometimes life isn’t about the destination, but about the journey designed to take you there.

The last thing i want to do is wish my life away, be it a advice to eclipse exhaustion, fatigue, apathy or otherwise. These days are too valuable and i cannot plan which one will be my last. With that outlook. Each day, hour, and minute is suddenly very precious. I know that i must be thankful for everything even for the dull moments because the reality is that i could pass into eternity tonight, next week, six months from now or in fifty years.

I need to appreciate the time i’ve been given because that time is not something i can count on. It will elapse at some point and when i look back at the life i’ve just lived, what will i think of it? I don’t want to cross the finish line and feel the tiniest hint of disappointment. Maybe i still don’t understand why it happened, but i guess that’s the fun of it. Waiting until life reveals the answer.

This is me being honest.

I tossed and turned a lot these past few weeks. I care about someone for too much.

So here’s hoping for a better feeling if i send this simple message out into the void:

I still care about you. I think about you all the time. I’m praying for you constantly. I want so badly to know you’re being taken care of. I wish you the best in life, not because you’ll surely find it, but because you deserve it. You deserve so much. I am endlessly grateful to Him (God) for the time that has been given to me, for us, for allowing me to be a part of someone’s life in some small way, for blessing me in ways that are utterly indescribable. I appreciate you, i really do.

I just wish you knew how much i miss you.

Ik hou van jou zo veel.