Mr. Fiction

When I was 4 I asked my mom to buy me a princess gown for my birthday, at that time I felt like a princess in the movie, with the tiara on top of my head, beautiful gown, and clacking-heels. I read and watched a lot of princesses stories. To put on a list; Cinderella, Beauty and The Beast, Little Mermaid, Alladin, Rapunzel, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, etcetera. You know the end of their stories, their happily ever after with their princes.

Cinderella, unfortunate girl, who doesn’t have anyone but herself to rely on. She wears ugly clothes, she lives with her cruel stepmother and stepsisters. She sounded like a sad story, told twice over. But then one night, everything changes. I wonder, why would the prince go after her? How come he falls for her? He doesn’t even know her traits whatsoever. But then again, Cindy is pretty. When I was a kid I wanted to have pretty hair, pretty face, pretty skin. I wanted to be physically pretty, so I could find my prince charming.

When I’ve come of age, I read a lot of literature novels, mostly romance. I have a long list of the literature heroes, villains, and the tritagonists. Unlike those childhood stories, literature novels have become more complex, and I love the complexity of it. A good story leads me to a good ending. I didn’t like reading books with sad endings, because it just not right. A good book always has a happy ending, I thought. I wanted to be Elizabeth so I could end up with my very own Darcy. I didn’t want to be Catherine who went off with the wrong prince charming. I wanted to go for a prince charming, not the villain, the bad guy. I wanted my very own mister fiction as what romance movies and books would describe.

I am a hopeless romantic, my heart flutters whenever I read or watch romantic scenes. Warm spreads through my body. The girl in the book, or movie usually described as the pretty one. I once watched Ugly Betty and it felt off when he ended up with her charming boss, an ugly girl does not belong with a prince charming, I thought. But as i grew up I started seeing thigs in different way. I realized that, you can’t demand anything to be perfect, you can’t always be pretty. And I am not physically pretty. For once i felt like the ugly betty waiting for her charming boss to sweep her off her feet.

I have a friend, she liked a guy, a prince charming kind of guy. She made a move but you know, turned out a prince charming so called guy was a douche. She came to me and cried. She told me that he said, to quote what he said; “you’re a nice girl, but look at me and look at you.” That was just so cruel, he basically told her that she wasn’t pretty. Ugh what an absolute jerk. But after a couple of months, I found out that my friend found someone, someone that I’d classify as the villain of the story. Why? Because this guy used to picked up on my friend, but then he turned out to be the hero of the story. He made my friend happy.

I have this theory, that sometimes weare blinded with a pretty face, dresses, clacking-heels, and a tiara. That makes us think; without them we would never meet our prince charming. But you know what? Sometimes the prince charming is just too busy of being charming which turns out to be cocky and obnoxious.

I met someone, we disagree to a lot of things. One time, he said that life is unfair, but I said that life is fair because it’s unfair to everyone. And for the first time he agreed with me. As we talked and talked, we have gotten to know more about each other, and guess what? Shockingly, we actually have a lot in common. I like radiohead, he does too. I like movies, he does too. I like books, and he does too. He was a villain of the story, but the villain turned out to be quite charming, that he swept me off my feet. Your biggest enemy sometimes can be your best friend. Well, me and him didn’t last long but at least I’ve known what it felt like to have my Mr. Fiction. The new version of my Mr. Fiction.

I’m not insecure, I am quite confident. I may not be the prettiest girl in town, I can’t make a guy falls for me with my physical appearance. But I’m sure I can make a guy fall for me with my mind. I don’t want to be the ugly betty, but I don’t want to be a princess anymore too. The Prince in Cinderella’s story never really know what’s in Cindy’s mind. All he knows is that Cindy has a pretty face. And I don’t want that kind of story.

I’m just gonna live my life to the fullest, maybe if I’m lucky I’ll find my Mr. Fiction, half villain and half hero, as long as he knows what I’m capable to do with my mind then just be it. Because this is a real life, there’s no such thing as the perfect prince charming. No more Elizabeth and Darcy. It'll just be Clara and Her (real life) Mr. Fiction.

Sooooo, fingers crossed everyone! :)

Tanpa Judul

2014 has been a huge start for me, and these past weeks has been the most challenging yet heart breaking moment.

Pernah gak sih kamu berada di satu momen dimana kamu sedang ada di persimpangan jalan, situation are forcing you to make a choice tapi kamu cuma diem, gak pingin ngapa-ngapain. It's like you just wanted everything else to stop, for a moment or two, and breath.

Everything happened so fast that can't even feel the clock ticking and the wind moving. It's like in a snap, it just happened, like that. Udah jadi gitu aja, you can't even feel the process.

I have a sort-of love-hate relationship with this matter, waiting.
Either itu menunggu kendaraan, menunggu minum yang udah lama di order, atau menunggu...apa hayo.
Hahaha apapun itu there's always this funny and heart breaking feeling when it comes to waiting.

Last week, i was having a total heart-breaking moment. I was crying, i felt stupid.
Kenapa? karena saya harus ucapkan selamat tinggal untuk perasaan saya.

People said that loving someone is worth the wait, but is it really?

Saya menunggu seseorang untuk 6 bulan lamanya. Saya menjaga perasaan saya untuk 6 bulan lamanya. Dan setelah 6 bulan itu saya harus mengucapkan selamat tinggal untuk seseorang. Hari ini tepat satu minggu saya menjauhkan diri dari seseorang.

I was having personal battle with my heart.

Saya ditinggalkan oleh seseorang, and i was wondering what did i do wrong? Saya pikir saya sudah melakukan yang benar menunggu dan menjaga perasaan saya untuk dia. Waktu itu saya marah besar kepada dia, i was feeling betrayed.

Bukankah perasaan itu seperti wine. The longer the date, the better the taste. The longer the process, the better the quality.

But then we couldn't really blame on the feelings, because it's there for a reason. Tapi yang jadi masalah adalah timing nya. Having feelings itu yang paling susah adalah bukan saat ditolak atau di abaikan, tapi ketika harus disimpan sampai waktunya tiba and in my case the time hasn't come yet. Feelings forces us to rush things up. Mereka yang membuat kita menunggu.

Lalu setelah satu minggu penuh i'm having some time apart saya mulai berpikir, I guess soal tahan lama atau enggak nya, it all depend on us. And it doesn't mean that semua harus dilama-lamain, but the time and the process has to be right. Not too long and not too fast. I mean, if it's meant to be then it will be, right? We don't have to force things up. Let time and let God do their part, and let us do our part. Being the best guy and the best girl that we could be.

Mungkin, selama ini saya yang tidak bisa membaca waktu dan perasaannya. Saya terlalu terburu-buru menyimpulkan bahwa dia menginginkan saya seperti saya menginginkan dia. Saya tidak menyalahkan dia, atau perasaan atau waktu yang sudah saya gunakan untuk menunggunya, tetapi justru saya menertawai diri sendiri karena semua itu.

Falling in love are beautiful, it changes our perspective, the way we see things. But we don't have to rush it. Taking it slow and enjoy the ride. Just as time will heal, and it also will decide. It doesn't mean that the road will be smooth and nothing will be broken, but I could guarantee that it is all worth the wait.

Untuk kamu disana, i just wanted to say that;
"i wish nothing but the best for you"

Farewell

I’m a scribbler. I scribble a lot.


Over these past few weeks, I have especially been writing a lot with a whole mumbo-jumbo of mixed emotions. Weell, not to the point where I bravely post it in here… Mostly it just end up in my Draft Folder, like every other writing that I wrote, maybe because it’s too downright honest.

But after a lot of consideration, here’s a thought that’s worth to share with you all;


Of the hundreds of relationships you participate in throughout the course of your roller coaster life — associations of all kind: good/bad, joyful/sad, casual/serious, friendly/hostile, short/long, romantic/heartbreaking and everything in between, there will always be this one relationship that harrows you like an old wound that refuses to heal. It haunts your mind, frequents your thoughts, making it hard for you to just, breathe.

Not that like it’s impossible to heal, but maybe a part of you, unconsciously, is letting the hurt to ail you. Or maybe it’s because of the fact that you find yourself reluctant to fight a losing battle when your emotions are swinging back and forth like those dusty old broken saloon doors on rusty hinges.

You restlessly live, breathe, dream, and repeat— but such malady of discontent and heartbreak just won’t go away! Causing your heart and emotions to play a constant game of tug of war, each pulling one end of your instincts.

Wrestling with your emotions over the dream of someone who still claims so much of your sentiment but it just falls flat on the reality that the person, is no longer there… well isn’t that lovely.

Trying to make it all feel better, you try to settle down and think.

But you realize that you can't. So you choose to distract yourself… And it works wonders.

I spent a lot of nights tossing over it and it seems all roads lead to one conclusion. Ultimately, my prayer is that Jesus continue His ever-present work in my heart, change me from the inside out, unearth and kill off those roots of sin, doubt and immorality so that I may better reflect Christ, so that I may better serve Him, so that I may better understand and live the life of love He’s called me to live.

The more you mull over it, think about, and go over the scene in your mind, the more it has the opportunity to take root within your soul and plant deep seeds of bitterness.

Though I’m still learning, I’m trying hard to forgive, and the only thing that will ruin that, is if I keep on thinking about it. So better not, don’t you think? :)


My only job in this case is just to love them as Christ loves me, and to demonstrate His noble love no matter how they act in return. But how often do I worry about living a pure life of love if/when I’m not living the way God has commanded me as a follower of Christ? By all means, I am guilty.

I just want to have that hunger to experience the fullness of all God has for me on this earth, I wan’t to be caught up in the most epic adventure of a Christ-centered life, I want to be so a live and ebullient in God that I’m unshakable to the point that no allure of the world can pull myself into apathy or impassivity, most of all, I want to demonstrate God’s love towards people and that my personality and character to be His means of expression.

And thus, I believe that even when you’re going through trials or hardships in life, they can even remind you that all that are actually exciting God-given opportunities to gain greater victory, patience, faith, strength, and dependence upon Him.

So goodbye now to the breakdown between thought, emotion and behavior. Farewell to faulty perception and inapt actions and feelings. Goodbye to withdrawal from reality and personal relationships into fantasy and delusion. Good riddance to an overwhelming sense of mental fragmentation.

This is not like my usual post but it has to be said and i’m so excited about life.

To Him be glory, greatness and power.

“I ask you that we all love each other. And love means living the way God commanded us to live. As you have heard form the beginning, God’s command is this: Live a life of love.”

2 John 5-6.

Marah

Semua orang berlomba-lomba untuk berwibawa. Ujung-ujung nya tolol.

Semua orang berlomba-lomba untuk didengar. Ujung-ujung nya semua pura-pura tuli.

Semua orang berlomba lomba menjadi penguasa dan penjilat. Ujung-ujung nya kualat.

Semua orang berlomba-lomba jadi kaya. Ujung-ujung nya gila.

Semua orang berlomba-lomba untuk perduli. Ujung-ujung nya hanya kepo.

Semua orang berlomba-lomba untuk dipuji. Ujung-ujung nya hanya cari popularitas.

Semua orang berlomba-lomba untuk dihormati. Ujung-ujung nya jadi tidak tahu diri.

Semua orang berlomba-lomba jadi cantik. Ujung-ujung nya maksa.

Semua orang berlomba-lomba (terlihat) pintar. Ujung-ujung nya ngotot.

Banyak orang memuja senjata demi kekuasaan.

Banyak orang mati demi baju bagus dan perhiasan.

Banyak orang berani malu demi kepopularitasan.

Hidup bukan hanya sekedar popularitas, harta, jabatan, atau kecantikan.

Hidup itu waktu.

Hidup itu pelajaran.

Hidup itu kesempatan.

Saya marah terhadap diri sendiri, saya marah terhadap orang-orang. Bahwa tanpa kita sadari hidup kita terpaku pada keegoisan.

Saya marah, dunia ini marah, tapi jangan biarkan Tuhan marah.
Karena, apa yang kita miliki saat ini adalah milik-Nya, dan sudah seharusnya kita memusatkan diri pada-Nya, bukan pada hal duniawi.

The Best Thing That We Have

Call me a fanatic, but i’m crazy about my parents.

Bila ada dua orang yang paling sering membuat kita jengkel karena sering melarang dan ngomel-ngomel, pasti mereka adalah; ayah kita dan mantan pacarnya aka ibu kita.

Terutama dalam masa rebellious kayak kita ini. Yang terlintas dipikiran pasti “nyokap sama bokap tuh sok tahu banget, udah kayak yang paling bener aja.” Well, at least hal itu setidaknya pernah terlintas dipikiran kita. Tapi menurut saya; parents aren’t always right, but when they’re not...at least they know how to get away with it.

Apa yang membedakan kita dengan orang tua kita? Jawabannya; Pengalaman. Kadang kita suka gak sadar bahwa mereka juga pernah muda. Mereka juga suka bohong pada ayahnya kalau mau pergi sama teman-teman. Mereka juga pernah pacaran backstreet karena belum boleh pacaran sama ibunya. Dalam beberapa hal mereka pernah mengalami apa yang kita alami dan memiliki apa yang kita miliki.

Tahu gak sih bahwa waktu kita lahir mereka bukan cuma bahagia, tapi juga kebingungan. Seumur hidupnya mereka sudah melakukan semua, tapi selama itu pula mereka tidak pernah menjadi orangtua. Mereka hanya berpikir “what is this thing? And how do i keep it alive?”. Kemampuan mereka untuk menjadi orangtua yang baik, hanya sebesar kemampuan kita menjadi anak yang baik. Mendekati nihil.

Orangtua saya tidak melalui hidup yang mudah, saya tahu itu. We’re ok now, but we weren’t always ok. Terkadang saya sendiri lupa bahwa hidup butuh perjuangan. Terkadang saya juga lupa kalau hidup saya selama ini diperjuangkan oleh orangtua saya. Mereka menyediakan, mereka melindungi, mereka mendoakan, dan terkadang mereka menertawakan keluguan kita. Tapi saya tahu betul they’re there for us.

Kadang, di tengah kesibukan kita dengan sekolah, hobi, kita suka lupa sama apa yang kita punya dirumah, kita terlalu fokus terhadap masalah kita sendiri. Dont get me wrong, i’m as guilty as you are. Tapi perasaan itu yang membuat saya sadar, bahwa penjahat yang paling keji pun di titik rendahnya akan teringat oleh ibunya. Setiap memikirkan itu saya pun teringat betapa beruntungnya saya hari ini, karena saya masih memiliki mereka yang mau menopang saya.

Untuk anda yang masih memiliki orangtua, baik keduanya atau hanya salah seorang, bersyukurlah karena kita masih memiliki keluarga. Betapa beruntungnya kita untuk sekedar mengetahui bahwa ada yang peduli kepada kita, bagaimanapun keadaan kita.  

A daughter of amazing parents,

Clara.

Tenggelam

Aku suram.

Cermin mataku buram.

Bibir jiwaku bungkam.

Dalam diam, aku bergumam.

Ku titipkan pada angin sebuah salam.

"Tolong, kumpulkan ribuan malam. Hingga menjadi gelap yang terkelam."

Sepercik bayang senyumnya masih membuatku jatuh dalam jurang tercuram. Kenangan tentangnya masih memukul hatiku hingga biru lebam.

Wajahnya muram, raut halus menyelimuti malam, seakan ada rasa yang terpendam.

Jutaan cahaya berpualam.

Tak jua mengangkatku dari palung hatinya yang terdalam. Di dekatnya kurasa tentram.

Cinta itu kejam. Menatap dengan mata tajam. Menombak ke relung hati yang terpejam.

Duniaku kelam, mencari jawaban yang tertanam. Risau dalam diam, dan rindu bagaikan pisau yang menikam.

Karena cintaku

Tenggelam

Karam.

Terima Kasih.

 

TERIMA KASIH :)

Pertama-tama saya ingin berterima kasih kepada Tuhan Yesus Kristus karena telah memberiken talenta, memberikan ide kepada saya untuk berkarya.

Saya membuat postingan ini untuk berterima kasih juga kepada semua orang, kepada para pembaca blog saya ini.

Tulisan-tulisan saya disini mungkin masih banyak kekurangan, dan mohon di maklumi.

Alangkah tidak tahu diri saya bila tidak berterima kasih kepada Laptop kesayangan saya beserta modemnya. Karena sejujurnya tanpa mereka saya tidak bisa memuat tulisan saya di blog.

Saya berterima kasih kepada majalah Onyit Kawanku. Karena kalian 3 tulisan fiksi saya dimuat di majalah se-keren Kawanku.

Terima kasih banyak sekali lagi untuk kalian semua yang menjadi pembaca setia blog saya, termasuk para silent reader. Feedback dari kalian sangat membangun saya.

Terima kasih juga kepada kamu yang selalu menjadi inspirasi bagi tulisan saya.

Saya mungkin bungkam seribu bahasa saat bertemu kamu, tapi entah kamu tahu atau tidak saya menuangkan segala yang ingin saya sampaikan lewat tulisan saya di blog. Untuk kamu disana, saya akan menulis cerita tentang kita hingga saatnya cerita kita berakhir. Untuk kamu disana, terima kasih untuk segalanya. Untuk kamu disana, blog ini tentang kamu, Galaksi.

Loads of Love,

Clara Eclesia Fides.