Tahun Baru dan Resolusi

You can’t change the past.

What do you guys think about those words?

Ya memang kata-katanya terdengar biasa aja. Tapi tau gak, kalau dibalik kalimat diatas ada banyak arti.

Sometimes kita melihat masa lalu kita tuh rada lebay. “Oh i wished i haven’t said that.” , “I want to go back in time and fix everything up.” But in my Bible it says that we should think like a child. Bukan berarti kita berubah jadi anak kecil. Tapi solve problems like a child.

Children do have feelings. But when trouble comes they don’t panic, because they believe their parents will help them and together they can somehow solve the problem.

In life we do have things that we regret. Banyak sekali hal yang terjadi namun tidak sesuai dengan apa yang kita harapkan. Banyak hal buruk terjadi dan bahkan kita sendiri gak tau kenapa itu terjadi. But don’t over-think about it. And think like a child. Kita punya Tuhan yang sanggup membantu kita menyelesaikan masalah kita. All you have to do is just believe in Him and have a faith that everything’s gonna be okay.

2012 is coming to an end. I know maybe it’s not our best year. Kadang kita berada di titik terendah kita, and we feel like giving up. Kadang kita juga berada di titik tertinggi kita and sometimes in that kind of situation we forgot about God or anyone that lift us up. It probably has been a tough year.

Believe me, i’ve been through A LOT  of things this year and i feel like i would make a time machine just to go back and fix what has happened. But it doesn’t really matter eventually. Because it’s not about where it started. It’s not about what we have been through. It’s not about how tough we have been fighting, but it’s about how we ended it.

New year is coming. And when the 2013 has arrived, let’s live up the year to the fullest. Make the time, spend times more with your loved ones and believe me, you’re going to face the days like a boss.

And to start 2013 we need to make resolutions in life.

Di tahun 2013 nanti kalian pasti ingin berubah menjadi pribadi yang lebih baik kan? And so do i. I have some of resolutions in life. Which are:

1.    Lebih Cinta Tuhan.

I feel like that going to church and read your Bible everyday isn’t enough. I want to have a relationship with God. Hubungan yang erat dan deep banget. Pingin lebih banyak curhat sama Tuhan. Pingin punya hati Tuhan. Pingin tau isi hatinya Tuhan. Terlebih lagi pingin ngerasain ada di hati nya Tuhan.

2.    Lebih care dengan sesama.

Entah berbentuk senyuman atau dengan kata-kata atau mungkin pelukan. Yang jelas i want to make them feel special.

3.    Lebih tekun.

Lebih tekun di dalam segala hal. Tekun ibadah, tekun belajar, dan lebih tekun mikirin kamu :3 (sumpah geli)

Itu serangkain resolusi saya di tahun 2013 kalau kamu?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Love, Clara.

My Waiting Game

Whether you love it or not. It seems that waiting is the only thing anyone ever gets done,

Some knows what they’re waiting for and some don’t. Some people love waiting because it gives them something to hang on to. Some pepople probably confuse whether they have to holding on or letting go. And some are tired of waiting because they have no clue about what lies beyond. Whatever the reason you know, there’s just one sure thing, they’re still searching for something. I guess we all are.

But the problem is, most of the time we get so busy of waiting and forget what indescribable beauty is right in front of us. As for me, my waiting game’s been about how it would end. And that happened.

For me, the past few weeks have been shimmering. I’ve been standing in a line where everything looks briliantly blur. Because recently, i had to say goodbye to someone very close and so dearly loved to me.

Sometimes i must rub my eyes and after a second i shake my head in an attempt to collect my thoughts and bring me back to the reality. Because everything’s unbelievable at the current moment.

It might not be any big of a deal for him, but for me it sure is. I might look okay and ignorant about it, but hey i’d be a big total fat liar if i don’t admit that i still spend some of my nights, tossing and turning, thinking about you.

Probably the idea of drifting away from each other, and carrying on with our lives without me not having you by my side is surprisingly, very scary for me.

Everything doesn’t seem that promising anymore. I know eventually this kind of thing would happen but i just wish it didn’t happen like this. It’s really crazy how all this time, i’ve been busily wondering and trying to create a scenario about a goodbye that won’t hurt. That’s just wishful thinking i have to say.

One of the things that suffocates me the most is probably how i still got an endless amount of things i secretly want to say and an equally lenghty list of questions i wish i could ask. It’s not the kind of goodbye that i had in mind, and probably it wouldn’t have worked out anyways, but i still think about you too much it’s unhealthy.

It’s really confusing when the half of you aches for things to be the way they once were, the other half longs to forget the whole thing ever happened. Regardless of your role in the conclusion of the relationship, it left you shattered and bringing it up after all this time would only pour another dose of potent heartbreak for both of you. I can’t stop thinking about the fact that ‘things will never be the way they used to be’ and that’s what hurts most.

You both know where your identities lie, who ultimately claims your heart and where your fortresses are. And those things are truly what matter most, but this unforeseen goodbye is still severely painful and there’s no way denying that. It keeps me awake for some of the nights.

It’s easy to plan. It’s not hard to expect. It’s easy to intend things to fall into place, give or take some heartache along the way.

Things can change in a split-second and sometimes you have no idea what you’ve got until it’s finally gone. Sometimes life isn’t about the destination, but about the journey designed to take you there.

The last thing i want to do is wish my life away, be it a advice to eclipse exhaustion, fatigue, apathy or otherwise. These days are too valuable and i cannot plan which one will be my last. With that outlook. Each day, hour, and minute is suddenly very precious. I know that i must be thankful for everything even for the dull moments because the reality is that i could pass into eternity tonight, next week, six months from now or in fifty years.

I need to appreciate the time i’ve been given because that time is not something i can count on. It will elapse at some point and when i look back at the life i’ve just lived, what will i think of it? I don’t want to cross the finish line and feel the tiniest hint of disappointment. Maybe i still don’t understand why it happened, but i guess that’s the fun of it. Waiting until life reveals the answer.

This is me being honest.

I tossed and turned a lot these past few weeks. I care about someone for too much.

So here’s hoping for a better feeling if i send this simple message out into the void:

I still care about you. I think about you all the time. I’m praying for you constantly. I want so badly to know you’re being taken care of. I wish you the best in life, not because you’ll surely find it, but because you deserve it. You deserve so much. I am endlessly grateful to Him (God) for the time that has been given to me, for us, for allowing me to be a part of someone’s life in some small way, for blessing me in ways that are utterly indescribable. I appreciate you, i really do.

I just wish you knew how much i miss you.

Ik hou van jou zo veel.

Nyanyian Rindu

Sang fajar bertekuk lutut dihadapan rembulan. Seperti mengalah pada sang rembulan. Dan jikalau malam tiba bintang pun menemani sang rembulan.

Andai saja aku seperti mereka, selalu menemani untuk menjaga sunyinya malam. Bersatu namun tak saling mengganggu. Namun sudahlah, itu cuma khayalku. Menikmati indahnya malam hanya angin yang berhembus dan sebuah buku yang selalu menemaniku. Itu pun sudah cukup menghapus ‘sebagian’ akan gundahku.

Sesaat jika aku merindukan seseorang aku suka menuangkan isi hatiku pada secarik kertas. Dan disana menarilah sebuah pena untuk mengukir namanya. Lalu aku pun menitipkan surat itu pada angin malam yang berhembus untuk disampaikan kepada Tuhan agar dapat dikabulkan permintaanku, dan agar rinduku sampai kepada seseorang diluar sana.

Ini rinduku...

Yang ku tulis adalah tentang dirimu. Tentang rinduku yang tak mau surut yang harus segera ku hentikan karena aku takut tenggelam, bahkan jauh lebih dalam. Merindumu diam-diam membuatku tak karuan, ingin mengataknnya padamu tapi hatiku berkata jangan, takut jika terlalu merindu hati ini jadi lebam.

Mungkin rindu harus segera memberi tahu hatiku agar berhenti menunggumu. Lama dalam ketidakpastian hanya akan membuat hatiku lelah lebih dari sebelumnya. Lelah itu pasti, tapi akankah lebih baik bila menghentikannya lebih awal. Kita tak saling melihat tapi setidaknya jarak hatiku dengan hatimu dekat.

Ini rinduku...

Semua rindu ini aku biarkan meluap, dan perlahan akan memudar dengan sendirinya. Aku menulis tentangmu hingga tertidur lelap dan lupa. Namun sebelum rindu ini pergi aku ingin angin malam untuk menyampaikan rindu ini padamu seperti biasa. Rinduku ini yang terakhir kuharap kau mengerti. Dan aku berterima kasih atas segala rindu diatas angin malam juga rembulan.